Things My Children Believe Are Interesting Which Are Not Actually Interesting

o What happened in that one episode of SpongeBob

o What level they are at in their video game

o What moves they made to achieve that video game level

o What's going on in the middle of the book they are currently reading

o What else happened in that one episode of SpongeBob

o How many dirty dishes they have to clean tonight compared to how many they counted last night and the night before that

o the long list of things they have decided AGAINST being for next Halloween

o detailed descriptions of Foxtrot cartoons

o their ordered list of favorite anime characters listed from most to least favorite

o a point by point comparison of their favorite anime characters

o what happened in that one episode with their favorite anime characters

o the various evolutions of each Pokemon

o stories that end with, "yeah, so, that was the most I ever peed."

How To Get Ready For Christmas -- A Comparison

MOM'S CHRISTMAS TO DO LIST:

Spring:

Talk to the relatives you see at Easter about their Christmas visiting plans.
Scrapbook the photos from last Christmas.

Summer:

Make holiday travel plans
Prepare list of whom to shop for
Gather gift ideas
Begin crafting homemade gifts
Start hunting for sales on large gift items
Organize the garage and move Christmas decorations to a convenient location

Autumn:

Plan the Christmas menu
Plan the menu for all meals for your visiting Christmas guests
Shop for gifts for out of town relatives
Plan to have the family Christmas photo taken
Start shopping for holiday grocery items
Start Christmas shopping for family, friends, co-workers, neighbors

Winter:

Decorate the inside of the house for Christmas
Decorate the outside of the house for Christmas
Put up the Christmas tree
Decorate the Christmas tree
Purchase stocking stuffers
Purchase gift wrap, tape, bows, ribbons and tags
Do the Christmas baking for neighbors
Finish purchasing all the gifts, making sure each child has a gift for Dad.
Wrap all the gifts
Wait in line at the post office to mail out of town gifts
Turn the Christmas lights on at night. Turn them off in the morning.
Clean the house for guests
Pack for Christmas travel
Clean out the car for Christmas travel
Prepare the Family Christmas Newsletter
Prepare the Family Photo Christmas Card
Purchase envelopes and stamps
Gather addresses of family and friends
Address and mail the Family Newsletter and Family Christmas Card
Help the Children write their Christmas wish lists
Plan meaningful family Christmas traditions
Plan breakfast for Christmas morning
Stuff stockings, including your own
Cook Christmas dinner
Clean up and get children to help clean up from Christmas dinner
Take copious photos of the holiday events for springtime scrapbooking
Send out Thank You cards from the family
Take down all the Christmas decorations and store them for next year


DAD'S CHRISTMAS TO DO LIST:

1. Stop at Walmart on your way home from work on December 23rd to pick out something for your wife.

2. On Christmas morning, hand your wife her gift still in the Walmart bag.

Things That Happen in Hallmark Channel Christmas Movies That Don't Happen EVER in Reality

The Hallmark Channel started their Christmas season last Saturday with 24 hours of Christmas movies and specials running through December 25th. It's been well publicized that I'm inexplicably dreading the holiday/my birthday season this year so I wanted to get out ahead of my humbuggery and try to capture some Christmas Spirit. I thought I'd test drive the Hallmark Christmas movies to manage the job.

Oy!

I can put up with a LOT of sap. I will tolerate MANY plot manipulations. And, I can't see a twist in the story line coming even if it's spelled out in the subtitles. But, Hallmark is asking a great deal of my easy-to-entertain nature.

Here are a few of the things that go on in Hallmark ChristmasWorld that don't actually occur anywhere else in the universe:

1) There are a disproportionate number of orphans and young widows living in quaint little U.S. towns.

2) Christmas Eve at midnight is the favorite time for greedy landlords to foreclose on the local Community Center or Senior Living Home.

3) Banks and lending institutions are conveniently open until 11:59pm on December 24th, ready to accept last minute payments of money to save a property from foreclosure.

4) At Christmastime, all towns will contain an assortment of the following:

o a lovely and overworked young widow,

o a Christmas curmudgeon,

o a judgmental and criticizing neighbor who makes nice people feel inadequate,

o a charlatan out to take advantage of people at Christmas,

o a workaholic executive who doesn’t know how to slow down and put family first at the holidays,

o a precocious little boy who desperately needs a good father figure in his life,

o someone who believes in Christmas Magic,

o a young and handsome bachelor who seems to be the only one that realizes the lonely woman in town actually looks like a super model,

o an eccentric drifter who causes the townspeople to rethink their ways,

o a country music singer

5) Single parent families have amazingly lavish and well decorated homes.

6) Children with no father and a mother who works 12 hours daily turn out to be very well adjusted.

7) Gorgeous women with lush hair, nose jobs and augmentation surgery work exclusively in soup kitchens.

8) Orphans are available for adoption at any time. If, for instance, you should decide on Christmas morning that you’d like to adopt a particular orphan, no paperwork or formalities are required other than you announcing your intentions to the child around the Christmas tree. No government officials will need to have an opinion about this. The child may begin living with you immediately. Orphans are instantly in love with any family that will take them in.

9) Single people love to host large holiday meals even though they have no idea how to cook.

10) Really attractive people are far more selfless and generous than unattractive people.

11) Most people prefer to do their Christmas shopping after work on December 24th. All stores in town are open in anticipation of this.

12) Any person who decides to *change their ways* on Christmas Day will remain permanently changed and never again be tempted to act or think as they have in the past.


That being said, I still plan to watch the Hallmark Christmas movies. I will do this because I have hope that one of them will put me in the mood for Christmas. Also, every so often I will watch one that's pretty nice. And, finally, I will continue to watch because I don't think this list is long enough yet.

The One in Which I Try to Understand Balance

A few days ago I made my impossible list of shoulds. It is worth noting that I do not, nor ever have, accomplished anywhere near all of those shoulds. Some of them I have never done even once. But, they are the things that fill up my mind as goals that I would be attaining if only I were more disciplined.

I wrote them all out to show myself that I need to rid my mind of the thought that these are things that can all be done simultaneously. I cannot carry around bad feelings and low self esteem because I am not getting all of these things done. To do them all at the same time is an unrealistic expectation. Maybe some people are doing all of those things (and you know my mind always thinks of those people when I'm trying to talk myself down) but I am not one of those people. I do not have their energy. It is different for me and I must know that the Lord does not expect all of that from me right now.

I must not compare. I must not despise myself for being a person who DOES require 8 hours of sleep a night and also, especially now while still recovering from my blood transfusion debacle, sometimes needs a nap during the day, too.

I must remember that this means I will not be able to do the things that are impressive to others. I may not get Christmas cards sent. I may not get a card made for the birthdays of the sisters I visit teach. I may not have a bedroom that's clean enough and devoid of piles of laundry enough that my mother will not tsk tsk at me when she visits. Flylady might not approve of the appearance of my kitchen sink. People who haven't seen me for a while might sneer at me for putting on weight and being out of shape**. No, I am not going to be impressive to others. Not at all.

**[You would know this already if anyone ever took my photo. I am not so vain as to avoid posting current pictures of myself because I don't look fantastic in them. But, no one takes pictures of me. Sometimes I wonder if I am a vampire who doesn't show up on film. Seriously, all recent pictures of me are because I have scheduled professional family photos and hired someone to take my picture, taken the picture myself with an outstretched hand or said to someone "Please take my picture because I want to make a photo album of this and I want proof that I was here, too. My grandkids will want to know what I looked like." If I were a fabulous photographer I would excuse this anamoly by saying, "Well, I am the one that takes all the photos because I'm a great photographer so I don't end up in any of them." That is not the case. I am the WORST photographer and should NEVER be in charge of picture taking.]

I've had in my mind that I can be both Martha and Mary. I can keep up appearances AND do all the things my soul needs as well. What happens when I try this is that I go through a cycle of hating life, hating everyone, yelling and complaining a lot until I rebel against my extra responsibilities and ignore them for a time while feeling wretched about it. Then I try to get everything off of my mental To Do List in a flurry so my mind can be at peace. I soon discover that things get added to that list quicker than I can empty it. Then I get sad and start to wonder why I'm so flawed that I cannot get to the things that I'm expected to get to.

So, how do I balance?

I listened again to President Uchtdorf's talk on simplifying. I listened to Elder Dallin H. Oaks' talk Good, Better, Best. I put away laundry while I listened. I shooed kids out of my room while I listened. By the time that talk was done, I had at least 2 children lined up outside my door waiting for my time. How do I rejuvenate spiritually while telling my kids to get lost for a little bit so that Mommy remembers why it's all important?

I feel that at any given time while I am doing one good thing to please someone, I am giving up on doing tons of other good things and disappointing 12 other people.

I am a truly bad example of the peace that the gospel brings to our lives. To look at me most anyone would decide that it's much happier and more peaceful to ignore religion and just do whatever you want. No one should think this. I am a particularly tortured soul. I really am much more happy and at peace with the gospel in my life than without it. As tortured as I get, it gets much worse when I think I know better than God.

I feel I need an example in my life of someone to follow, someone to emulate. Yes, yes, the Savior, of course, but I mean someone who's life is similar to mine. Someone who lives in my time, is a housewife like me, a mom like me, a wife like me.

This week I keep thinking, "Is this something that President Monson would do?" Mostly the answer is, No. President Monson would not play solitaire while listening to scriptures. He would read along and ponder and study. President Monson would not watch a cooking show on the Food Network instead of playing a board game with his kids. President Monson doesn't spend time on Facebook. President Monson has three dimensional friends.

The other thing I've been thinking this week is, "What would the pioneers do about this?" I don't know where I got it into my head to start trying to think like a pioneer, but I think it has something to do with our very strict budget. I'll think to myself, "The pioneers didn't have processed food, the pioneers didn't run to McDonalds for dinner when they were tired, the pioneers didn't get pedicures to pamper themselves, the pioneers weren't weak like me and they didn't need any pampering or spoiling." So, I reason, the pioneers were able to deal with all the obligations and pressures that I deal with AND MORE without ANY spoiling at all. So, why am I such a baby that if I have a bad day I should get to go out to dinner or think about getting my nails done?

Therefore, I don't do these things. I don't go out. I don't buy things. I don't spend money on unnecessary items. And it's all because of this pioneer thing that makes me feel weak and full of excuses if I give in to modern conveniences.

I seriously do NOT spend money. I get a $10 haircut once every 6 months. I never buy clothes or shoes. I don't get my nails done. I don't color my hair or perm it. I rarely go to restaurants. I seldom buy processed food unless I have a special coupon for it or I buy a few items to keep on hand for emergency days. I think I'm a pretty affordable wife.

But as soon as I start thinking that, I tell myself, "Well, you OUGHT to be affordable. That's why you get to live in this fancy house and have a car to drive during the day and you don't even have to work." I mean how many people get to live as nice as I do and they don't even have to have jobs??? I am a spoiled, spoiled, ungrateful brat to complain.

Sometimes I think I could get more done if I did spoil myself more. That the spoiling would allow me to accomplish more without losing my temper. But then I quickly tell myself, "You have no job. You have an amazing husband. You basically do whatever you want all day long. How much more spoiling do you need you selfish cow?" [yeah, I spend too much time mentally referring to myself as a selfish cow. this should probably stop. but, that's another should.]

I'm still at a loss today. I don't know which things to give up on. Honestly, even if I rid my To Do List of everything EXCEPT spiritual NECESSITIES, family NECESSITIES (which include an education for my kids), life NECESSITIES (like going to the bank and store so we can eat and pay bills), and running the stupid condos (a task which cannot be done by anyone but me so there's no way out of it until they are sold), THAT list is already too full. Just keeping up with that list is so much that I am completely run down and at the end of my patience. Then I have to take a complete day off mid week to ignore everything so that I can be rested enough to resume the following day.

Today I realized how much it helped me to take a day off yesterday. I stayed in my lazy clothes. I did no housework. I did no school. I even went and got In N Out with Ric for my dinner. Today I felt like I could be ready to try again.

Then I started thinking, "How come I need a midweek day for this day off which kind of messes with our whole schedule? How come Sunday can't serve as that day off?" Well, because Sunday often becomes the busiest day of the whole week. [and mine isn't even that bad compared to most of the people I know.] Church on Sunday, of course, and then after church, meetings and going visiting teaching (because many of the people I visit are only available on Sundays) and receiving visiting teachers and receiving home teachers** and then we're asked to go to choir and sometimes there's even firesides that we're expected to be at.

**[This is really a separate rant, but, I don't think it's acceptable to make yourself difficult to visit teach or home teach. If your home teachers or visiting teachers have found a time that works for the two of them to come visit your family, then I think it's only good manners to try to make that appointment work if you can. So, I do not say to people, "Nah, I'd rather not have visitors at that time. Come up with some other time for me, wouldja?" Visiting Teaching and Home Teaching is hard enough without me being a princess about it.]

And it's not like Sunday is really a day OFF. It's not as if my family doesn't need to eat on Sunday or that dishes wash themselves on that day. I do prepare the food in advance and my kids are in charge of the dishes, but any mom knows that this does not mean tasks take care of themselves without some minding and reminding.

So what do all of these ramblings add up to? It adds up to I'm still trying to figure it out. Today's ideas are to continue praying for guidance to know what matters need my attention each day, to schedule more frequent temple attendance to help me find focus, and to make plans to get to Women's Conference next spring so that I can hear talks and inspiration that apply to the particular needs of women today. I would prefer to have something more than that. I'd prefer to have a system or a list of some kind to give me confidence when I feel like a failure.

I have also considered that maybe I really AM crazy and require medication and intervention, neither of which I am likely to pursue receiving at this time.

The One in Which I Realize I Talk More Than I Ought

I have a vivid life that goes on inside my head. Inside My Head Denise lives very differently than Real World Denise.

Inside My Head Denise imagines as she blogs (that's "BLOGS" and not "GLOBS" as my fingers tried THREE times to write instead of BLOGS)that she's doing lots of good with her posts.

Inside My Head Denise types and types and thinks:

"Wow, this is great stuff. This is going to speak to people. Others will read this and say to themselves, 'That's just like me! I feel that way, too! I'm so glad she wrote this!' "

This is different from the experience of Real World Denise (who often takes far too long to remember that Real World Denise and Inside My Head Denise are not identical.)

The blog experience of Real World Denise is:

People reading this post think, "You poor dear, I'm so sorry that you're not a competently functioning human. Please accept my advice and get yourself some professional help. Or some Percocet. Also, consider keeping more of your thoughts private."

Inside My Head Denise thinks she can save the world one blog post at a time. Real World Denise is, in fact, making the world think she's crazy one blog post at a time.


But, this post is about my larger problem which is: Words.

Inside My Head Denise thinks that words fix things. She wants to throw words at problems and turn them into non-problems. Inside My Head Denise FEELS a need for words FREQUENTLY.

When a person is troubled Inside My Head Denise says to herself, "There is someone who is troubled. I should put some words on that." Inside My Head Denise doesn't always know the right combination of words. She's not always certain which direction the words should be pointing or how many words are appropriate. Sometimes she's lucky to happen upon the right TONE for the words, whether or not the words themselves are correct.

So, Inside My Head Denise throws out words with a sympathetic, understanding, hopefully considerate-sounding tone. She says, "I'm so sorry. That must be very difficult." or "That's awful that you were treated that way." or "Geez! I'd be angry about that, too."

Inside My Head Denise thinks that these words soothe troubled people and make them feel understood.

Real World Denise quickly discovers that this is not always the case. Sometimes words make people irritable. Sometimes words make people defensive. Sometimes words make people bored with me.

When Real World Denise discovers this, Inside My Head Denise jumps right in and says, "Don't worry. I can fix that with MORE WORDS!"

Inside My Head Denise wants to use words to be understood. She wants to use words to soothe woes. She wants to use words to inspire nations and cower her enemies. Inside My Head Denise will create a messy situation with words and suppose she can repair it with additional words. If words don't work, she'll think the defect is not enough words. Clearly the remedy is an increase of words.

Inside My Head Denise THINKS she understands people. Real World Denise gets slammed frequently for this gross misconception. Real World Denise spends too much time mopping up after Inside My Head Denise.

The One in Which I am Not What I'm Supposed To Be

I have all these fancy ideas about what I'm *supposed to* be. I have lengthy lists of accomplishments that I should be regularly achieving. I imagine that most other reputable people are achieving these accomplishments. I imagine that it is my vast slothfulness and near total lack of self-discipline that keeps me from accomplishing them.

These are some of the things I think I ought to be able to do regularly:

o Keep my house clean and organized so that I can find anything in it that I know I possess.

o Keep my laundry in a constant state of doneness so that all of our clothes save a few are neatly hung in our closets and those few are neatly sorted into (non-overflowing) laundry baskets waiting to be washed.

o Avoid all bad habits. (Don't bite my nails, drink soda, slouch, watch soap operas, eat in front of the television or play addictive internet games. Obviously, also avoid any bad habits that violate church standards like swearing, drinking alcohol/coffee or watching R rated movies.)

o Train my children up in the way they should go with complete patience.

o Meet all my spiritual expectations (visiting teaching, temple attendance, food storage and emergency preparedness-- purchase it, organize it, use it, rotate it -- , gardening, reading and pondering every talk from conference, twice daily personal prayer, twice daily family prayer, twice daily couples prayer, daily scripture study, daily family scripture study, daily journal writing, weekly family home evening which should probably include at least one visual aid. I'm certain I'm forgetting at least 12 other things that ought to be there.)

o Do extra things that make my children have a fun childhood (decorate for holidays, create traditions, go on vacations, keep scrapbooks of their major life events and milestones, encourage the development of their talents and interests.)

o Do all I can to meet our budget (spend nothing, use coupons to save all I can, make food from scratch whenever possible.)

o Help my extended family (manage my dad's condo rentals, try to figure out my in-laws, make decent attempts to recognize the birthdays of my 40+ nieces and nephews, recognize the birthdays of Ric's aunts and other relatives, send out Christmas cards.)

o Be in charge of all holiday, birthday, wedding, ANY gift shopping.

o Be in charge of all medical appointments.

o Run all the finances, do all the banking, and do our annual taxes.

o Spend precious and meaningful one on one time with each of my children at least once a week.

o Care for my health. (eat well, avoid sweets and junk food, get enough sleep, avoid stress, exercise regularly, floss, try to figure out why I'm supposed to avoid things like corn syrup and PABA.)

o Save my poor, dear husband from being my ONLY social outlet by building friendships with others. Attempt to keep those friendships without embarrassing myself by acting like an oaf who was raised by wolves. Sloppy, grumpy wolves.

o Cook really good food at home so that my family does not feel deprived that we don't go to restaurants often.

o Create holiday magic. On every holiday. Even Groundhog Day.

o Care for my relationship with my husband (plan weekly date nights, attend ward temple night together, spend much time sitting around making googly eyes at each other, don't snap at him if he says regular, non judgemental things like, "Have you seen my church folder?")

o Make Herculean efforts to comprehend my son's autism and give him the proper attention and intervention that he needs.

o Mind my nasty temper.

o Be a considerate neighbor who remembers birthdays, drops off goodies at Halloween, Valentine's Day and Christmas and delivers soup and tends the children of those who are ill.

o Do some yard work. Ever.

o Do things that organized people do (hold a weekly family council where the children can talk with Ric and I about their concerns and questions and we update our family calendar with the upcoming week's events, sort socks into pairs and put them into drawers, clip the cats' claws before they destroy all my couches, get rid of the gladware lids that don't have matching gladware anymore...)

o Give all my children an exceptional education at home. Don't lose their homeschool books and supplies.


Taken one at a time, these seem like good things that really, really should not be ignored. But, all together, it's a ridiculous list of personal expectations. Which do I get rid of? Usually it's the ones where I take care of my own health, teach the kids and mind my temper. Those are the ones that get pushed to the bottom of the list or jump off the list entirely in a huff of impatience.

I don't know. I need lower standards. I need to not care about what I *should* do. I feel I must care about spiritual shoulds and family related shoulds. So, do I not care about my health shoulds? or holiday fun shoulds? or shoulds for neighbors and relatives? financial shoulds? organizational shoulds (which effect financial shoulds)?

Maybe I'm just a crazy girl lately trying to stave off my pending holiday gloom and doom. I am so not looking forward to December and it's coming whether I want it to or not. That's another post.

The One in Which We Take an (almost) Free (almost) Week Long Vacation to St George

We had a trial membership with a vacation resort and the deadline is quickly approaching so it needed to get used. We had very little money to spend on a vacation right now so I was concerned about how fun it would be. This was our experience.


THE PREPARATIONS:

I prepared our lunches and dinners in advance and put them into metal containers with lids that we'd got from Sam's Club. This allowed us to travel fairly lightly with food for the week.

For breakfasts, we planned on oatmeal and cream of wheat and purchased pancake mix and syrup when we arrived.



THE RESORT:

This resort is one of the Worldmark by Wyndham resorts and it was very nice. We had a 3 bedroom, 2 bath unit that sleeps 8 people. It has a full kitchen with dishes, utensils, cooking items, mixing bowls, measuring cups, and a few basic spices. We also had paper goods included like paper towels, toilet paper and kleenex. We had linens, bath towels, dish towels and kitchen towels included. We could switch our linens and towels for new ones at the linen exchange at any time.

The resort has discounts on many local events and restaurants. We happened to not use any of those, but it's good to know about if you should go there.

Our resort has 2 pools (one with a nice waterfall), 2 kiddie pools and 2 jacuzzis. The first and last hour of the pool time is adults only. This resort was SO quiet and nice.

Our unit had a balcony off the living room that connected to another balcony door off the master bedroom. The balcony had a table and chairs and a barbeque.



We had a flat screen tv with dvd and vcr player in both the living room and the master bedroom. All rooms had dressers with drawers, alarm clocks and ceiling fans. The living room has a fireplace. We also had a laundry room in our unit with a stacking washer and dryer.

There is a fee for high speed internet of $5 a day or $15 for up to 10 days. We opted not to pay for internet since we could get online briefly through Ric's phone as we needed it.

The view off our balcony was lovely. In the mornings, you could not hear anything but a few birds. It was really peaceful and remote from the traffic and noise of the town.



The customer service at the resort was amazing. Even though we have a trial membership and had opted not to purchase, we were treated wonderfully as if we'd paid the same as everyone else there. My husband even asked a special favor to have a lock put on our bedroom door for the length of our 5 day stay and it was done the following morning.

There's plenty of covered parking to keep your car cool.


THE TRIP:

There are so many great free things to do in St George. We thought about doing some of the low cost things (like the $3 per person art museum) but decided that even $20 extra was not going to be wise for us with our current budget. This is what we did:

MONDAY:

Breakfast, check out the swimming pool with the younger kids.

Relax and enjoy the resort. Lunch.

Start the Walking Tour of Historic Downtown (this map was available at our resort, but you can get the same pamphlet in color at the tabernacle at the square downtown.)

Do 1/3 of the Walking Tour, including the Tabernacle Tour.




Play in the stream and splash pad outside of the Square. (7 North Main, there's also a library near there which we never made it to because we had so much to do already!)





Return to Resort for dinner. (Dinner was easy because it was already made and cooked in the metal trays. I put it into the oven before we left and set the cooking times to warm it up and then automatically shut the oven off so it would wait for us and be ready when we walked in.)

Family Home Evening.


TUESDAY:

Breakfast, get ready to head out for the day (put lunch into the oven and set the timer)

Continue 2nd third of the Walking Tour, including the Daughters of the Utah Pioneers Museum.






Spend time playing at the Splash Pad to cool off.



Return to Resort for lunch, rest, and swimming pool.

Barbeque Ribs for dinner. (this was the only dinner not made in advance. It made a huge mess. Next time I think I'll have it closer to finished and do only the final carmelizing on the bbq. We made a TON of ribs and snacked on them all week.)

Watched movies we had on our TiVo we brought with us.


WEDNESDAY:

Breakfast.

Sent the older boys in the car to the St George temple to do baptisms. Ric and I took Sawyer and Annalyn to the office to hear the presentation we'd agreed to listen to as part of our discounted trial membership. It took about 20 minutes and the kids got to drink soda and play with toys while we were there. No pressure, they were very polite. (This style of long term pre-paid vacation is not something I prefer to do so we did not buy. I have no complaints about the company or even their prices. I would recommend a trial membership to anyone considering it. It's cheaper per point than their regular membership and we will get 2-3 family vacations out of it. This company no longer has an office in Salt Lake so they will even offer to put you up in one of their closer resorts to hear their low pressure presentation. If you get the chance to do that, it's completely worth it to stay free in their amazing resort in exchange for just listening to them for a short while. Don't do it if you don't trust yourself not to buy and then regret it, but if you are comfortable saying no to things that won't work for you, then I definitely recommend it.)





This was our afternoon to play at the resort all day. After lunch, we all went down to the pool together for hours. At this time of year, there were few kids at the resort and nearly anytime we went to the pool we were alone or almost alone.

Magic happens when the seven of us all do something together. The pool day was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I don't love swimming so I swam a little, rested in the shade a little and sat in the jacuzzi a little. Ric played a lot of games with the kids and even raced against them.

Dinner and more relaxing back at our room. We were pretty tired.


THURSDAY:

Breakfast. Get ready for the day. Put food in the oven.

Drive to Snow Canyon (this is the ONLY thing we spent money on for the trip other than our few groceries and gasoline. It's $6 per car for the day.)

Snow Canyon is lovely and amazing. It has trails of varying lengths and difficulties. There are bathrooms and picnic areas. (We brought plenty of water and an umbrella for shade) The kids had much fun climbing. RJ especially loved climbing and exploring. We stayed until the day grew warm and everyone voted to move on. There was plenty more to see there and we'll likely go another time. The colors are BEAUTIFUL. Some families have said they spent every day of their vacations just taking their kids here to play.



Go back to the Square to finish our Walking Tour with Brigham Young's Winter Home. We considered going to the splash pad again, but the kids voted to return for lunch and the swimming pool instead.

After food and swimming, Ric and I went to a session at the temple while the kids stayed at the resort and watched tv.


FRIDAY:

Breakfast and our last chance at the pool.

Pack up and check out at noon.

Go to the Visitor's Center at the St George Temple. We'd been told at the other church locations that there was a special art exhibit opening on Friday morning. It was amazing.

After the art exhibit, we asked to see the movie about President Thomas S. Monson.

There's a children's section with many of the church commercials. I had seen this one of Brooks before and we were lucky to find it among the ones they were showing.



Picnicked at the Splash Pad and let the kids play in the water.


Left St George for the trip home. Stopped at Historic Cove Fort on the way and took the tour there.




And THAT was our amazing, FREE vacation. We didn't even do all the stuff there was to do. My kids could have played at that splash pad every afternoon. The walking tour can take 3-4 days if you go to a few things each day (it starts to get hot after that and people start to get hungry) and include one church site (with live tours and great stories) each day. There's plenty more movies to see at the temple visitor's center. There are also plenty of paid events that vary in their affordability.

St George is GORGEOUS! [GEORGEous, my husband would say, but, he's goofy like that. Also, he's had plenty of years to think up that pun.] Take your family and check it out!

The One in Which I Make a Halloween Advent Calendar

(picture from hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com)


If you'd like to make your own easy advent calendar, you can copy these activities, jokes and trivia that I used for ours. I tried to make everything something that could be done with little or no supervision and with nothing that I needed to go out and buy. I'll attach these inside of the 31 links of a paper chain. Some will be too big to put inside of the link, so I'll set them elsewhere and put a note in the chain telling where to find the instructions. If you'd rather not do the chain, you could also print the sections, cut them up and put them into a jar to draw one out randomly each day. Please do swipe this idea if it's something your family would enjoy and write to tell me about it!

The 31 Days of Halloween:

1. Q. Why did Dracula take cold medicine? A. To stop his coffin.


2. The people of Grave's End just discovered that someone -- or something! -- has messed with the town's famous historical marker. It might have been bewitched by a legendary pirate ghost that haunts the village! Oddly, many villagers can still read the sign. Can you?


3. The ancient Celts thought that spirits and ghosts roamed the countryside on Halloween night. They began wearing masks and costumes to avoid being recognized as human.



4. Q: What do they teach in witching school? A: Spelling.



5. Make grocery bag ghosts:

Balloon Ghost Craft
This cute ghost is easy to make from a balloon and two plastic grocery bags.
It makes a great Halloween decoration or a toy (but not for very young children). This ghost flies really well!

Supplies needed:
• A white balloon
• Scissors
• 2 white plastic grocery bags
• Tape
• A black marker

Cut the handles off the white plastic grocery bags. If there are colored markings on the bags, cut them off too.


Leaving the seam at the bottom of the bags intact cut the bags into strips.
Blow up a white balloon.


Tape the plastic bags around the end of the balloon (tape the bags in a circle a few inches from one end of the balloon). If you plan on hanging the ghost up as a decoration, tape the plastic bags around the plain end, leaving the tied end of the balloon exposed so you can tie a string to the top of the ghost.


Using a black marker, draw two eyes and a mouth on the balloon.


You now have a spooky ghost that you can use as a Halloween decoration or as a toy (but not for very young children). This ghost flies really well!



6. On Halloween, Irish peasants would beg the rich for food. For those that refused, they would play a practical joke. So, in an effort to avoid being tricked, the rich would hand out cookies, candy, and fruit – a practice that morphed into trick-or-treating today.



7. Q: What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? A: Bamboo




8. Walk the neighborhood on a Halloween Themed Scavenger Hunt. Using only the things you can see from the sidewalk, find the following items:
A skeleton
A pumpkin
A spider
A ghost
A black cat
A scarecrow
A broom
The Word “Halloween”



9. Q: What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter? A: Pumpkin Pi



10. Orange and black are Halloween colors because orange is associated with the Fall harvest and black is associated with darkness and death.




11. Make a Halloween Card today to deliver to a friend.



12.Q: What is a ghost's favorite party game? A: Hide-and-go-shriek




13.90% of parents admit to sneaking goodies from their kids’ Halloween trick-or-treat bags

14. Use items in nature (sticks, leaves, etc), glue and a piece of cardboard to make a sign with our family name like this one:

Use string to hang it on our front porch.



15. Q: Who did the ghost invite to his party? A: Anyone he could dig up!




16. More than 35 million pounds of candy corn will be produced this year. That equates to nearly 9 billion pieces – enough to circle the moon nearly 4 times if laid end-to-end.


17. Take This Pumpkin Quiz (circle the correct answer):
1. Jack O' Lanterns were originally carved from:

Pumpkins
Turnips
Watermelons

2. Can you guess the weight of the biggest pumpkin ever grown?

1,689 pounds
992 pounds
94 pounds

3. What is a Native American word for pumpkin?

Gourd
Isquotersquash
Homobock

4. Pumpkins, zucchini, cucumbers, and tomatoes are all:

Grains
Vegetables
Fruits

5. What pumpkin eater had a wife but couldn't keep her?

Jack Sprat
Peter Piper
Peter Peter

6. Who rode to the ball in a horse-drawn pumpkin?

Cinderella
Sleeping Beauty
Queen Elizabeth

7. Who rode around Sleepy Hollow with a pumpkin for a head?

Ichabod Crane
The Headless Horseman
Bart Simpson


Answer Key
1: Jack O' Lanterns were originally carved from:
Correct Answer: Turnips
2: Can you guess the weight of the biggest pumpkin ever grown?
Correct Answer: 1,689 pounds
3: What is a Native American word for pumpkin?
Correct Answer: Isquotersquash
4: Pumpkins, zucchini, cucumbers, and tomatoes are all:
Correct Answer: Fruits
5: What pumpkin eater had a wife but couldn't keep her?
Correct Answer: Peter Peter
6: Who rode to the ball in a horse-drawn pumpkin?
Correct Answer: Cinderella
7: Who rode around Sleepy Hollow with a pumpkin for a head?
Correct Answer: The Headless Horseman




18. Q: What is a monster's favorite food? A: Ghoul scout cookies





19.Trace your hands and feet and color them to create witch and monster hands like this:




20. Q: How do you keep a monster from biting his nails? A: Give him screws.





21. Some so-called vampire bats do drink blood, but they're not from Transylvania. They live in Central and South America and feed on cattle, horses, and birds.


22. Glue leaves to paper and make them into animals like this:




23. Q: Why didn't Dracula get married? A: He never met a nice Ghoul





24. The witch is a central symbol of Halloween and is identified with the holiday throughout the history of Halloween. The name comes from the Saxon wicca, meaning 'wise one'. When setting out for a Sabbath, witches rubbed a sacred ointment onto their skin. This gave them a feeling of flying, and if they had been fasting they felt even giddier. Some witches rode on horseback, but poor witches went on foot and carried a broom or a pole to aid in vaulting over streams.



25. Using the palms of your hands and tracings of your feet, make a pumpkin and ghost wreath like this (attach to a cardboard circle):



26. Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? A: He had no guts



27. The world's fastest time to carve a face into a pumpkin is 54.72 seconds, by Stephen Clarke (USA), on October 23, 2001 (source: Guinness World Records)




28. Magic Time! Play these tricks with your shadow:
Try to:
• hide from your own shadow
• shake hands with someone else's shadow without actually touching hands
• touch someone else's shadow with your own
• make your shadow do things you can't, such as touch the top of a tree or building
• fit your shadow inside someone else's
• turn your shadow into letter shapes (b, f, k, p, t, and y are good ones to try)




29. Q: What do you call dead cows that come back to life? A: Zombeef.




30. The next full moon on Halloween night will be October 31, 2020




31. Play a few rounds of: The Legend of Shrinking Island

Instructions

1. Before play begins, place a few old towels on the floor, making sure the group of towels offers just enough standing room for all of the players.

2. As in musical chairs, players must walk around in a circle whenever the music is playing. When the music stops, each player scrambles to stand on a towel (several players might be able to fit on one towel, depending on its size). Players are allowed to clutch onto a friend so that they can squeeze onto an island. Any player who can't stand with both feet on an island is out.

3. After each round, an island is folded (to reduce the available standing room) or removed entirely. You may want to switch to a hand towel or a washcloth for the final rounds. The last person standing on an island wins.

The One in Which I Outline Visiting Teaching Appointments

Probably the rest of you act normally when friends show up at your home to visit. For me, when people come over to see me and talk to me, I get so excited about it, I act like a lonely dog who's been tied up in the yard too long.


Here's how visits go:



MY VISITING TEACHERS: *Inquiry about my well being*

ME: *lengthy complaint about non-interesting symptoms*

MY VISITING TEACHERS: *Considerate expression of concern*

ME: *gratitude followed by more complaining and a story not relating to anything*

MY VISITING TEACHERS: *appreciative laughter and kind compliment*

ME: *more senseless prattle*

MY VISITING TEACHERS: *continued patience*

ME: *at least one more story not relating to anything.*

MY VISITING TEACHERS: "It's been so fun talking with you. We also brought you an uplifting message we'd like to share..."

ME: "Yippee!"

MY VISITING TEACHERS: *spiritual message accompanied by thoughtful insight and personal application.*

ME: "Yippee!" *launch into another story not relating to anything....*

MY VISITING TEACHERS: [90 minutes later] "Again, it's been so fun visiting with you."

ME: *obliviousness to their attempts to leave*

MY VISITING TEACHERS: "So, thanks again for letting us come by...."

ME: *lengthy goodbye at the door, further prolonging the agony of their attempts to escape....*



My visiting teachers are good people.


The pic at the top is from a site full of WWII posters [http://www.usmm.org/]. I had to post some of these other funny ones I considered:

The One in Which I Write Myself a Well-Timed Kindly Reminder

Dear Denise,


When you eat a lot of chocolate it makes you grouchy and mean. This makes the other humans want you to go away.

When the other humans get grouchy, they say reasonable things like this:

"Ugh! I can't even DEAL with ALL of THIS today!" and then they might slam a pen down on the desk.


When you get grouchy, you say UNreasonable things like this:

"Sweet Sister Francis! What is WRONG with ALL of you MORONIC PIGS? WHY WHY WHY in the NAME of ALL that is HOLY and GOOD in the WORLD would you FORCE me to TOLERATE your CEASELESS INANITY for MINUTES ON END??? If you were ANY smarter, you might be able to comprehend how STUPID you actually are! You make me want to rip off my own ears and stuff them into my eyes just to GET AWAY from the CONSTANT ONSLAUGHT of your UTTER and INCESSANT INCOMPETENCE!" and then you might threaten to run away from home to punish the world for their crimes against you.


There are several good reasons why you might regret this once you're off the chocolate:

1. Your mom doesn't deserve to be talked to like that.


2. Neither does the ATM.


3. Or the Compassionate Service Leader.


4. When you say these things, it makes the other humans want to throw heavy stuff at your head.


5. Several human rights groups might have grounds to take legal action against you.



So, in summary, Chocolate Makes You Grouchy, Grouchy Makes You Inhumane, Inhumane Makes You A Legal Liability.


Maybe you should switch over to Swedish Fish.



[photo from http://www.impactlab.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/grouchy-bear-495.jpg]

The One in Which I Rant Unceasingly About Condo Management

So when trying to manage these HORRIBLE condos, my goal is to get good, competent work done on the places for a price that is in my budget. I do not necessarily say for the BEST price because I would not want to find the best priced electrician, for example, who happens to be unlicensed and a complete boob and then the condos catch fire and people die.

So, I need,

1) competent work,
2) a good price and
3) no people die.


This is a complex formula. It means that I can't just call up companies that do interior painting and say, "I need to hire a painter for this job, what is your price?" and then call 3 other companies and ask them the same thing and pick the cheapest one. (This is what I suspect property management companies do when something needs to be hired out and that's why we never could make any money when we used a property management company)


There is no WAY that hiring a company to do any work is in my budget.(One guy told me that to paint a 600 square foot condo with plain white would be a $1900 job. That seems ridiculous to me. It's equal to 4 months of what we collect in rent on that place.)

So, I have to hire people. I have to go online and find everyday people who are willing to do the various work that I need done. Then I need to negotiate prices with these people. I, of course, have NO skills and so must guess at what the work is worth and what supplies it will require. (Why use ME to manage ANY properties if I don't know stuff? Because I am available and because I am willing to SHOP for people in our budget instead of hiring people OUTSIDE of the budget and sending my dad a BILL every month instead of a CHECK. A check is what you hope to receive from your rental investments not a BILL every month for a year.)

Here's the biggest problem. The people I find who are competent enough to do the work and also willing the do the work in our price range are DIFFICULT to work with. Usually the reason they are willing to work in our price range is because they are:

1) Desperate for money.

This means they will be able to start the work I'm asking but only if I can loan them some money for gas on their first day of work.

2) Unable to hold down other jobs.

This is because they are so irresponsible they never show up when they say they will show up and maybe they will do the work you hired them to do and maybe they will not. You need to totally double check their work to make sure it's what you agreed on for the price. Also, you frequently end up waiting 90 minutes for them to show up and get a key from you. You hang around that long because they've texted you 3 times saying they are 5 minutes away. Alternately, you RACE out of a meeting at work early because they suddenly texted you and said they are waiting at the condos for you even though your appointment with them is not until the following day.

3) Unable to make coherent conversation and mingle with the other humans.

This means that you will never understand exactly what information they are giving you and what information they are asking of you. They make half sentences and then stop and switch to another sentence and you're never exactly sure what predicate they were ABOUT to say when they made the switch.



I know that it would be great to work with someone who would do the work, then send me an invoice and then I send them a check. But, it's not like that. They expect to call me and say, "I'm gonna be done here in about 15 minutes which is a day earlier than I thought I'd be done, so can you meet me with a check as soon as I'm done?" No. I can't. I'm an HOUR from you and I actually have a life. I don't sit at a desk located on the property just poised and waiting for your call. I have other people and children counting on me to be other places. I can't be there to pay you or meet with you to answer questions or get you keys or get keys back from you at whatever moment you decide it's convenient for you. I need to make a plan with you and then stick to that plan. But these people I hire do not do that.

They also do not respect the boundaries I have asked them to respect. I have my phone number that is for condo related calls. Once ANYONE I work with gets any other number of mine (which sometimes happens if I get an urgent text and must call from my cell phone while I'm out) then they go crazy calling that number if they need to reach me. If someone gets Ric's number at any time, then they call MY condo number, then MY regular number, then Ric's number in a rabid attempt to reach someone. Nevermind that I JUST received their text from their first call and am calling them back IMMEDIATELY but can't get through to them because they are calling 4 other numbers dying to reach me.

I explain this process to people. They don't pay attention. They assume no matter what I tell them, that my LIFE is about these condos. They think I don't have plans with my family or other obligations or FORBID that maybe I'm somewhere that I can't pick up a call right away and they'll just have to be inconvenienced waiting for me to meet them at the appointed time instead of an hour earlier.

The OTHER horrible thing about these condos? It's NEVER enough. Even if I accomplish MIRACULOUS FEATS of getting work done within my budget, there is still someone who says, "Seems like we could have done that cheaper or easier." Really?? Well, then, you are WELCOME to go ahead and do that yourself next time. Seriously??? Like I NEED all of this hours and hours of work and stress every day for a stupid $85 a month.


Why don't I just quit? Because I can't. There's no one else to do it instead. Which means that it would be up to my dad to do it. And it's way too much stress for him. And if it's Herculean for me to manage them from 1 hour away, it's impossible for him to manage them from another state. So, he'd have to hire a company to manage them. Then, he'd start getting bills every month again which means that every month the management company uses up ALL the rent he's earned on maintenance then also spent even more than that on maintenance.

So, I do it for my parents. Who deserve it.

I wish I did it better. And I wish at times that I do make some small miracle happen, that it made my dad happy and didn't make him say, "You had to HIRE someone to do that? I could have done that myself for 25 cents!"

The One in Which I Convince You That My Husband is a Patient Man

Oh, I lovey the lists. They almost write themselves. Then I can return uninterrupted to my regular full time goal of letting my brain atrophy so my face looks thinner.


My dear husband is a patient man. You've heard me say this before. Today, I'll compile the proof. Then you'll see that he's a supernatural being who should not be forced to abide my inferior company.

This list represents a fraction of what he's compelled to put up with:



o Crumbs in his bed.

Ric complains about TWO things in the WHOLE WORLD. Everything else he's okay with. One of those two things is crumbs in his bed. So, what does his horrible wife do? She eats in the bed and lets the kids eat in the bed while he's at work, slaving away to finance our very survival.


o Various things in the house pee on his stuff.

Imagine you come home from basketball (the ONE time during the week that you do anything for yourself) and find your wife and toddler asleep on your bed. Upon lifting your toddler to move him to his own bed, you find he's peed all over your side of the bed.

You go to a nearby laundry basket to get a clean sheet and find that the cat has (AGAIN!) peed on the clean laundry.

If this happened to you, you would move away and burn down the house on your way out the door. If it happens to Ric, he sighs and says, "Honey, is there something I can do to help keep the laundry and bed from getting peed on?"



o He does not have clean laundry when he needs it.


It's a reasonable thing to expect to have some clean clothes to wear to your job when you are the ONLY person out of SEVEN people in your house who has a job AND the money you make from that job is used by ALL SEVEN of the other people to support their utter laziness. You should not have to say THREE days in a ROW, "Honey, did we do any wash yesterday? Are there any socks clean?" No, you should not have to say that.


o Most days he has nothing to eat for lunch.

In a constant fit of ineptitude, I frequently forget to make arrangements for Ric to have any food to take for lunch. I forget to make extra dinner to tuck away for him. I forget to buy sandwich items at the store. I forget to tell him that he can spend some money if he needs to in order to get something to eat. Because Ric NEVER complains, I also forget to check with him and see if he figured out anything to have for lunch most days. And, often, he'll skip lunch so that he does not accidentally interfere with the budget. Compile this with the next proof of patience.....



o Most days he has to wait a long, long, long time for dinner.

At least a few times a week I stall about dinner. Around 9:30, Ric will gently say, "Sweety, did you have any plans for dinner?" Remember now, this is my dear husband who has also not made a PEEP of complaint about not having any lunch (also my fault). At this point I say something paltry and insufficient like, "Oh, sorry honey, what if we all have peanut butter and banana sandwiches? Does that sound good?"

My dear, dear husband will ALWAYS reply, "Yes, that sounds wonderful, actually. Would you like me to make you one, too?"



By now you're convinced that my husband is not human and is actually some Saint/Angel hybrid. You'd be right.

You're also convinced that not only do I not deserve THIS husband, I probably do not deserve any husband and should live in a cave far away from the other, more deserving humans. Also correct.


But, I'll let you in on the bestest, most miraculous thing about being married to Ric. HE thinks that HE'S the one getting the sweet deal here. There's something about his combination of Patience and Perfection that makes him believe that I'M being good to HIM and that HE'S lucky to have me.


This form of hysterical delusion totally works for me.

The One in Which I Am a Shadow

My son auditioned for another play and got a big part that's perfect for him.

Since the last play he auditioned for rejected him because of his odd behavior, I wanted to watch him this time and make sure there were no problems.

I've sat at four and a half hours of rehearsal daily for 3 days now and he doesn't cause any problems. He's better behaved than the other children.

But, it's probably because I'm there. I think my presence soothes him and makes him less anxious. Less anxious means less likely to twirl and have tics and get distracted and make unreasonable assumptions about the environment.

I think it appears to others that I'm trying to protect my son from them. And instead I'm there to protect them from my son. I can control him in a moment with just a slight hand signal. He only needs someone to let him know what's expected of him because he can't always see it for himself. And, if he gets distracted after he DID already know what's expected of him, he can stay in a distraction loop until someone breaks it by reminding him what he's supposed to do.


So, why even bother sticking him in plays when maybe that hobby is not a good fit for him? Because when he was in the play in the spring, he made friends. The other kids were nice to him. Can you imagine? It's not like at scouts a few years ago where 6 kids chased him down the hall and knocked him to the floor. These acting kids actually don't mind him that much. They don't try to hurt him.

And, all through the rehearsals and run of his play, he was connecting to us better than we have seen before or since. Somehow, the play helped to fix him a lot. I don't know what did it, but, obviously, I'm anxious to repeat it.


Because of his autism and because he had never done anything as independent as being in play rehearsals a few times a week before, we had some problems with the spring play. One was that it took us months to figure out that the director was sending out regular emails to parents updating them on changes to locations and rehearsal times. We weren't getting ANY of those emails. Why? Well, because at the audition my son, instead of saying that he was not sure of his parents email address, just wrote down what he THOUGHT our email address was. It was actually a hybrid of several email addresses we've both used in the past and not a legitimate email address for either of us.

[It probably seems odd that an older child with a perfect memory would not know his parent's email address. For a child with high functioning autism, it's not odd at all. It's not unusual for an autistic child to not know his own parent's first names because all he's ever called them is mom and dad. They can be that oblivious.]

So, I didn't get any of the notices about changed locations, changed times, changed schedules. The other way that the kids were notified about changes is that they were TOLD. Well, forget that. If you want me to know something, don't tell my son and then hold me responsible for having the knowledge. It won't get to me. He's not capable of it.

This led to big mistakes like getting out of rehearsal an hour before we thought he did and the director had to call us to say she'd been waiting outside with him for 30 minutes. Since my teenager was already out with the car and near that area, we called him immediately and told him to rush over there. Another 30 minutes pass and we get another call from the director that no one has showed up yet. The teenager reported that he went to the wrong place and got lost.

I really tried there. I did. I thought I had the right time. I didn't know that some people were getting emails or their kids were getting instructions about other times and I tried to find the fastest solution the moment I realized there was a problem. It was totally embarrassing to have caused such an inconvenience to someone. We apologized over and over.

After 2 months of rehearsals, I was finally able to figure out that the director was sending out emails and that I wasn't getting them. Then I was able to let her know that she needs to send emails to my correct address so that I know what's going on. I thought that the response to this might be "oooooOOOOOOOoooooo, so that's why you never know where we are supposed to be and when..." but it wasn't. There was no comment at all. I had hoped that I would be forgiven a little for seeming clueless, but it didn't feel like it.


[for information about how my son ended up alone at the first audition in the first place instead of having an adult there with him to help him fill out paperwork, see pics of the birthday party I attended with my two youngest children in January. It was going on at the same time as the audition. If I'd known that there would be paperwork that was going to cause such a long term issue, of course I would have made other arrangements. But, I didn't know.]

I know there were other problems. But, we weren't told about them. At the cast party, one mom told us she was specifically instructed to watch our son and make sure he didn't try to go onstage before his cue because that had been a problem. His cast was only in 3 performances. Ric and I were backstage volunteers for 2 of them and in the audience for the final one. Why was nothing said to us about this problem? The other backstage parents were told to watch out for him but not his own parents? I had no idea this was even an issue until the play was over.

So, these are the things I've been explaining to my son THIS week to avoid problems in the new play:

1. When you ask a grown up for something, even if it's outrageous, that grown up might say yes and then be irritated with you without telling you.

I told him that sometimes grownups think that a child will over-react to being told no. I told him that not all kids will say "Ok" (like he does EVERY time) if they're told No. I also told him that a grown up might be irritated that he even asked to do something unusual and would never tell him that. I told him that just because he received permission to do something that doesn't really mean it was okay to do.

[This is where a guide is REALLY helpful. He runs to me first to ask me the thing that he wants to ask and I tell him if it's acceptable to ask or if it's rude or out of line.]

2. You need to follow the directions of the person in charge.

It's important that he remembers that he needs to do what the person in charge says and ONLY what the person in charge says. Otherwise, he might stop talking because the person in charge told everyone to be quiet and then start talking again because the kid next to him started to talk and he's been told that it's rude to ignore someone who's talking to you.

3. I told him not to do things that he doesn't see other people already doing.

This direction came in response to him handing out candy canes to all the kids at the audition and then starting to open up a candy cane himself to eat while on stage. I didn't even know he had his pockets stuffed with candy canes. The kids were told to do a particular direction silently, and he did. He did not speak at all as he went down the row handing out candy canes to everyone. Great. Who thinks to tell their kid before an audition, "Hey, by the way, if you were thinking you wanted to hand out candy canes to everyone and you have your pockets stuffed with them, don't do that, okay?"

4. I told him the exception to rule 3 is that he should not do things he sees other people doing if what the other people are doing is against what the person in charge has instructed.

So, just because you see other people talking, that doesn't mean it's okay to talk if the director said don't talk. I taught a class on table manners to the youth a few weeks ago. In it I said, "Don't do anything until your host has done it first. This includes sitting down at the table, putting your napkin in your lap or starting to eat."

My son came home and said he'd found a loophole in that rule that if he could trick the host into doing something ill-mannered first then HE would be permitted to do the same ill-mannered thing.

So, I pointed out to him that it's NEVER okay to be ill-mannered, even if your host is, but even GOOD MANNERED things should not be done until the host does them first.

Tricky rule for him.


So, I've been at every rehearsal and have had to correct only the smallest things. He looks to me frequently. I didn't tell him to. It's what he does. When I'm in the room, he checks in with me visually at least once a minute. We have hand signals for me to indicate to him:

"Stop talking"

"Scoot over" (my son does not scoot. If you direct a line to scoot down and don't mention him by name, he'll let kid after kid pile up into him. For most people, having someone smack into your shoulder lets you know there's a problem. Not my son. Won't bother him at all. Shoulder smack all you like, he doesn't move down until you call his name and tell him to.)

"Calm Down" (I use this one when I see him getting too exaggerated in his responses.)

"Stop Being Weird" (there's probably a more gentle way to put it, but this is what we've always used. Lets him know that the reason he needs to stop is because it looks weird to others.)

"Pay Attention" (He actually doesn't have to. When he was in school they said they never knew how he knew all the instructions because all through the lesson he'd be twirling and humming and looking down. Then he'd do the assignment perfectly. But, sometimes he misses instructions because of his autism, not because he was looking down or appearing distracted. However, this causes the people in charge to THINK he missed the instruction because he wasn't paying attention. I've explained to him that it's pleasing to people for him to LOOK like he's listening in addition to actually listening.)

"Stop Eating Your Script"


WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY would he follow these subtle instructions from me when he doesn't even think they are necessary? Because I've asked him to and I told him that it hurts people's feelings if he doesn't follow their social rules. So, he's willing to put all of his concentration into doing things their way. Even though it's hard for him. And boring. And stressful. He tries because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. This is a tender hearted boy.

The One in Which I Tell You You're Not Funny Enough

Some may remember months ago when I started writing in the blog regularly and made clear that I am really too opinionated to write a blog. Here's some more proof fer ya.

I don't have a lot on this topic, but I do have a few tips to offer about how you can be more funny and also some things to tell you about how you've been getting it wrong up until now.

STUFF YOU'RE GETTING WRONG:

These are some common mistakes that you can easily avoid and thereby be funnier.

1. Don't overlead your joke.

Give me just enough that I'm able to do the math in my head. You don't have to SPELL OUT for me that it's funny because the guy actually didn't say "ten inch pianist." I get it.


2. Don't explain your jokes.

This goes along with rule number 1. If I didn't get your joke, too bad for me. Don't explain your jokes. Explained jokes aren't funny. Really, they aren't. There are a few people who can master explaining the joke in such a way that it adds a new joke and salvages the laugh. You shouldn't try that yet. If someone says to you, "I don't get it. I don't know what that means," you say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I don't explain my jokes. You can catch the next one!"

[There is an exception to this rule. When you're in the company of new people who's company you will share frequently in the future (in laws, new classmates, new neighbors, etc), explain your jokes. New people won't know you're funny and telling them you don't explain jokes makes you seem odd or snooty. Explain a few, you'll lose the laugh, but, over time people will realize, "oooOOOOOOooooo, I bet he's being funny. That's what he does. He's funny."]

Also.....


3. Don't use your most outre jokes on new people.

If you have one of those really remote senses of humor that uses obscure, little known allusions or facts, save those for the crowds who know you if you want people to think you're funny instead of homeless. Yes, yes, yes, we ALL get that it's probably HILARIOUS that you just made a total word play pun that pokes fun at Episode 249 of Star Trek AND manages to insult the recently appointed Tzarina of CHDKSFSDRSSVarnia, but we're still not gonna laugh. And, now we're gonna move further away from you. Slowly and with no sudden movements.


4. Coincidences aren't jokes.

There are funny stories. You should sprinkle jokes into them if they are lengthy and you want them to still be perceived as funny stories by the end. But, coincidences are not among them. A coincidence is surprising. It might receive a smile. But, if you haven't told some OTHER joke along with your anecdote, then you haven't said something funny. Don't guffaw about it and say, "I never heard anything so hysterical." Really? We have.


5. Don't insult people who aren't you.

This seems straightforward. You don't get to poke fun at any group that you are not a part of. I don't care if you have LOTS AND LOTS of friends who are Vikings. Don't make snide jokes about the Vikings if YOU, YOURSELF are not a Viking. [or, probably, even if you are. Vikings are big. They'll take you out.]

SOME people can do this VERY delicately by using ridiculously exaggerated comments about groups that no one ever makes fun of or oppresses. This is tricky and should be left to the experts. If you try it, you'll probably get punched in the nose.


6. Trim up your jokes.

Get to the point as quickly as you can while leaving in all the essential elements to keep it funny. You need something humorous about every 3-5 sentences in a long story if you want it to be classified as a "funny story". Otherwise, be clear that what you are actually telling is an interesting story that does also contain a little something funny at the end. Unless your story isn't even intereresting and, in that case, you should have stayed home instead and watched The Closer. [you should do that anyway. it's a good show.]


7. If you're going to laugh at your own jokes, keep it reasonable.

I'm not totally against laughing at your own jokes. In a new crowd, sometimes that's the only way people know you've just told a subtle joke. If your audience is laughing, then a little laugh along with them lets them know you appreciate their response. But, absolutely do not laugh longer or louder than the people you just told the joke to. I know that sometimes you try to relay a silly story and it gets the best of you and you can't stop the giggles all through telling it. I'm okay with that (I think it's charming) provided you explain, "I'm sorry, I know I'm ruining this story, it just tickles me to think about it...." You will be less funny but at least you won't be rude.


8. If you're gonna steal someone else's joke, you'd better make sure no one has heard it before.

Whenever someone around here says, "That runs in our family...." MY response is, "oh, honey, NOBODY runs in our family." I didn't make this one up. ReRun said it on an episode of What's Happening. I think it's safe to assume that you didn't know that. Therefore, in just about any crowd, this joke will get a laugh.

Please, please, please do not take the best known line from a very popular tv show or movie and try to act like you just came up with it. You will look like a weirdy. People might laugh uncomfortably but they will not think you are funny. They'll think you were homeschooled. [then they'll be confused because they always believed that homeschooled people weren't allowed to socialize.]


9. Don't act like you're the only person in the room who's funny.

What you want to create is a laugh friendly atmosphere. If you walk into a gathering with the mindset that no one is gonna be funnier than you, no one but you gets to make people laugh, or, ruder still, that no one is gonna make you laugh, you will lose that atmosphere. You want to exist in a place where you delight in everyone's attempts at levity. You are appreciative of the shared laughter of your fellow conversants. Now that laughing and laughing and being easy going and fun is what we're all doing, you are ready to try out your new bit. Consider their jokes (however lame and paltry they may be) the warm up for your own.



That's all the criticism I have for you at this time. Future Denise plans to create a list of what you SHOULD do to be funny, but she has lots and lots of crazy plans (Future Denise is also in charge of all laundry, yardwork, errands and the filing of income taxes) and may never have time to compile it.