The One in Which I Try to Understand Balance

A few days ago I made my impossible list of shoulds. It is worth noting that I do not, nor ever have, accomplished anywhere near all of those shoulds. Some of them I have never done even once. But, they are the things that fill up my mind as goals that I would be attaining if only I were more disciplined.

I wrote them all out to show myself that I need to rid my mind of the thought that these are things that can all be done simultaneously. I cannot carry around bad feelings and low self esteem because I am not getting all of these things done. To do them all at the same time is an unrealistic expectation. Maybe some people are doing all of those things (and you know my mind always thinks of those people when I'm trying to talk myself down) but I am not one of those people. I do not have their energy. It is different for me and I must know that the Lord does not expect all of that from me right now.

I must not compare. I must not despise myself for being a person who DOES require 8 hours of sleep a night and also, especially now while still recovering from my blood transfusion debacle, sometimes needs a nap during the day, too.

I must remember that this means I will not be able to do the things that are impressive to others. I may not get Christmas cards sent. I may not get a card made for the birthdays of the sisters I visit teach. I may not have a bedroom that's clean enough and devoid of piles of laundry enough that my mother will not tsk tsk at me when she visits. Flylady might not approve of the appearance of my kitchen sink. People who haven't seen me for a while might sneer at me for putting on weight and being out of shape**. No, I am not going to be impressive to others. Not at all.

**[You would know this already if anyone ever took my photo. I am not so vain as to avoid posting current pictures of myself because I don't look fantastic in them. But, no one takes pictures of me. Sometimes I wonder if I am a vampire who doesn't show up on film. Seriously, all recent pictures of me are because I have scheduled professional family photos and hired someone to take my picture, taken the picture myself with an outstretched hand or said to someone "Please take my picture because I want to make a photo album of this and I want proof that I was here, too. My grandkids will want to know what I looked like." If I were a fabulous photographer I would excuse this anamoly by saying, "Well, I am the one that takes all the photos because I'm a great photographer so I don't end up in any of them." That is not the case. I am the WORST photographer and should NEVER be in charge of picture taking.]

I've had in my mind that I can be both Martha and Mary. I can keep up appearances AND do all the things my soul needs as well. What happens when I try this is that I go through a cycle of hating life, hating everyone, yelling and complaining a lot until I rebel against my extra responsibilities and ignore them for a time while feeling wretched about it. Then I try to get everything off of my mental To Do List in a flurry so my mind can be at peace. I soon discover that things get added to that list quicker than I can empty it. Then I get sad and start to wonder why I'm so flawed that I cannot get to the things that I'm expected to get to.

So, how do I balance?

I listened again to President Uchtdorf's talk on simplifying. I listened to Elder Dallin H. Oaks' talk Good, Better, Best. I put away laundry while I listened. I shooed kids out of my room while I listened. By the time that talk was done, I had at least 2 children lined up outside my door waiting for my time. How do I rejuvenate spiritually while telling my kids to get lost for a little bit so that Mommy remembers why it's all important?

I feel that at any given time while I am doing one good thing to please someone, I am giving up on doing tons of other good things and disappointing 12 other people.

I am a truly bad example of the peace that the gospel brings to our lives. To look at me most anyone would decide that it's much happier and more peaceful to ignore religion and just do whatever you want. No one should think this. I am a particularly tortured soul. I really am much more happy and at peace with the gospel in my life than without it. As tortured as I get, it gets much worse when I think I know better than God.

I feel I need an example in my life of someone to follow, someone to emulate. Yes, yes, the Savior, of course, but I mean someone who's life is similar to mine. Someone who lives in my time, is a housewife like me, a mom like me, a wife like me.

This week I keep thinking, "Is this something that President Monson would do?" Mostly the answer is, No. President Monson would not play solitaire while listening to scriptures. He would read along and ponder and study. President Monson would not watch a cooking show on the Food Network instead of playing a board game with his kids. President Monson doesn't spend time on Facebook. President Monson has three dimensional friends.

The other thing I've been thinking this week is, "What would the pioneers do about this?" I don't know where I got it into my head to start trying to think like a pioneer, but I think it has something to do with our very strict budget. I'll think to myself, "The pioneers didn't have processed food, the pioneers didn't run to McDonalds for dinner when they were tired, the pioneers didn't get pedicures to pamper themselves, the pioneers weren't weak like me and they didn't need any pampering or spoiling." So, I reason, the pioneers were able to deal with all the obligations and pressures that I deal with AND MORE without ANY spoiling at all. So, why am I such a baby that if I have a bad day I should get to go out to dinner or think about getting my nails done?

Therefore, I don't do these things. I don't go out. I don't buy things. I don't spend money on unnecessary items. And it's all because of this pioneer thing that makes me feel weak and full of excuses if I give in to modern conveniences.

I seriously do NOT spend money. I get a $10 haircut once every 6 months. I never buy clothes or shoes. I don't get my nails done. I don't color my hair or perm it. I rarely go to restaurants. I seldom buy processed food unless I have a special coupon for it or I buy a few items to keep on hand for emergency days. I think I'm a pretty affordable wife.

But as soon as I start thinking that, I tell myself, "Well, you OUGHT to be affordable. That's why you get to live in this fancy house and have a car to drive during the day and you don't even have to work." I mean how many people get to live as nice as I do and they don't even have to have jobs??? I am a spoiled, spoiled, ungrateful brat to complain.

Sometimes I think I could get more done if I did spoil myself more. That the spoiling would allow me to accomplish more without losing my temper. But then I quickly tell myself, "You have no job. You have an amazing husband. You basically do whatever you want all day long. How much more spoiling do you need you selfish cow?" [yeah, I spend too much time mentally referring to myself as a selfish cow. this should probably stop. but, that's another should.]

I'm still at a loss today. I don't know which things to give up on. Honestly, even if I rid my To Do List of everything EXCEPT spiritual NECESSITIES, family NECESSITIES (which include an education for my kids), life NECESSITIES (like going to the bank and store so we can eat and pay bills), and running the stupid condos (a task which cannot be done by anyone but me so there's no way out of it until they are sold), THAT list is already too full. Just keeping up with that list is so much that I am completely run down and at the end of my patience. Then I have to take a complete day off mid week to ignore everything so that I can be rested enough to resume the following day.

Today I realized how much it helped me to take a day off yesterday. I stayed in my lazy clothes. I did no housework. I did no school. I even went and got In N Out with Ric for my dinner. Today I felt like I could be ready to try again.

Then I started thinking, "How come I need a midweek day for this day off which kind of messes with our whole schedule? How come Sunday can't serve as that day off?" Well, because Sunday often becomes the busiest day of the whole week. [and mine isn't even that bad compared to most of the people I know.] Church on Sunday, of course, and then after church, meetings and going visiting teaching (because many of the people I visit are only available on Sundays) and receiving visiting teachers and receiving home teachers** and then we're asked to go to choir and sometimes there's even firesides that we're expected to be at.

**[This is really a separate rant, but, I don't think it's acceptable to make yourself difficult to visit teach or home teach. If your home teachers or visiting teachers have found a time that works for the two of them to come visit your family, then I think it's only good manners to try to make that appointment work if you can. So, I do not say to people, "Nah, I'd rather not have visitors at that time. Come up with some other time for me, wouldja?" Visiting Teaching and Home Teaching is hard enough without me being a princess about it.]

And it's not like Sunday is really a day OFF. It's not as if my family doesn't need to eat on Sunday or that dishes wash themselves on that day. I do prepare the food in advance and my kids are in charge of the dishes, but any mom knows that this does not mean tasks take care of themselves without some minding and reminding.

So what do all of these ramblings add up to? It adds up to I'm still trying to figure it out. Today's ideas are to continue praying for guidance to know what matters need my attention each day, to schedule more frequent temple attendance to help me find focus, and to make plans to get to Women's Conference next spring so that I can hear talks and inspiration that apply to the particular needs of women today. I would prefer to have something more than that. I'd prefer to have a system or a list of some kind to give me confidence when I feel like a failure.

I have also considered that maybe I really AM crazy and require medication and intervention, neither of which I am likely to pursue receiving at this time.