The One in Which I Am a Shadow

My son auditioned for another play and got a big part that's perfect for him.

Since the last play he auditioned for rejected him because of his odd behavior, I wanted to watch him this time and make sure there were no problems.

I've sat at four and a half hours of rehearsal daily for 3 days now and he doesn't cause any problems. He's better behaved than the other children.

But, it's probably because I'm there. I think my presence soothes him and makes him less anxious. Less anxious means less likely to twirl and have tics and get distracted and make unreasonable assumptions about the environment.

I think it appears to others that I'm trying to protect my son from them. And instead I'm there to protect them from my son. I can control him in a moment with just a slight hand signal. He only needs someone to let him know what's expected of him because he can't always see it for himself. And, if he gets distracted after he DID already know what's expected of him, he can stay in a distraction loop until someone breaks it by reminding him what he's supposed to do.


So, why even bother sticking him in plays when maybe that hobby is not a good fit for him? Because when he was in the play in the spring, he made friends. The other kids were nice to him. Can you imagine? It's not like at scouts a few years ago where 6 kids chased him down the hall and knocked him to the floor. These acting kids actually don't mind him that much. They don't try to hurt him.

And, all through the rehearsals and run of his play, he was connecting to us better than we have seen before or since. Somehow, the play helped to fix him a lot. I don't know what did it, but, obviously, I'm anxious to repeat it.


Because of his autism and because he had never done anything as independent as being in play rehearsals a few times a week before, we had some problems with the spring play. One was that it took us months to figure out that the director was sending out regular emails to parents updating them on changes to locations and rehearsal times. We weren't getting ANY of those emails. Why? Well, because at the audition my son, instead of saying that he was not sure of his parents email address, just wrote down what he THOUGHT our email address was. It was actually a hybrid of several email addresses we've both used in the past and not a legitimate email address for either of us.

[It probably seems odd that an older child with a perfect memory would not know his parent's email address. For a child with high functioning autism, it's not odd at all. It's not unusual for an autistic child to not know his own parent's first names because all he's ever called them is mom and dad. They can be that oblivious.]

So, I didn't get any of the notices about changed locations, changed times, changed schedules. The other way that the kids were notified about changes is that they were TOLD. Well, forget that. If you want me to know something, don't tell my son and then hold me responsible for having the knowledge. It won't get to me. He's not capable of it.

This led to big mistakes like getting out of rehearsal an hour before we thought he did and the director had to call us to say she'd been waiting outside with him for 30 minutes. Since my teenager was already out with the car and near that area, we called him immediately and told him to rush over there. Another 30 minutes pass and we get another call from the director that no one has showed up yet. The teenager reported that he went to the wrong place and got lost.

I really tried there. I did. I thought I had the right time. I didn't know that some people were getting emails or their kids were getting instructions about other times and I tried to find the fastest solution the moment I realized there was a problem. It was totally embarrassing to have caused such an inconvenience to someone. We apologized over and over.

After 2 months of rehearsals, I was finally able to figure out that the director was sending out emails and that I wasn't getting them. Then I was able to let her know that she needs to send emails to my correct address so that I know what's going on. I thought that the response to this might be "oooooOOOOOOOoooooo, so that's why you never know where we are supposed to be and when..." but it wasn't. There was no comment at all. I had hoped that I would be forgiven a little for seeming clueless, but it didn't feel like it.


[for information about how my son ended up alone at the first audition in the first place instead of having an adult there with him to help him fill out paperwork, see pics of the birthday party I attended with my two youngest children in January. It was going on at the same time as the audition. If I'd known that there would be paperwork that was going to cause such a long term issue, of course I would have made other arrangements. But, I didn't know.]

I know there were other problems. But, we weren't told about them. At the cast party, one mom told us she was specifically instructed to watch our son and make sure he didn't try to go onstage before his cue because that had been a problem. His cast was only in 3 performances. Ric and I were backstage volunteers for 2 of them and in the audience for the final one. Why was nothing said to us about this problem? The other backstage parents were told to watch out for him but not his own parents? I had no idea this was even an issue until the play was over.

So, these are the things I've been explaining to my son THIS week to avoid problems in the new play:

1. When you ask a grown up for something, even if it's outrageous, that grown up might say yes and then be irritated with you without telling you.

I told him that sometimes grownups think that a child will over-react to being told no. I told him that not all kids will say "Ok" (like he does EVERY time) if they're told No. I also told him that a grown up might be irritated that he even asked to do something unusual and would never tell him that. I told him that just because he received permission to do something that doesn't really mean it was okay to do.

[This is where a guide is REALLY helpful. He runs to me first to ask me the thing that he wants to ask and I tell him if it's acceptable to ask or if it's rude or out of line.]

2. You need to follow the directions of the person in charge.

It's important that he remembers that he needs to do what the person in charge says and ONLY what the person in charge says. Otherwise, he might stop talking because the person in charge told everyone to be quiet and then start talking again because the kid next to him started to talk and he's been told that it's rude to ignore someone who's talking to you.

3. I told him not to do things that he doesn't see other people already doing.

This direction came in response to him handing out candy canes to all the kids at the audition and then starting to open up a candy cane himself to eat while on stage. I didn't even know he had his pockets stuffed with candy canes. The kids were told to do a particular direction silently, and he did. He did not speak at all as he went down the row handing out candy canes to everyone. Great. Who thinks to tell their kid before an audition, "Hey, by the way, if you were thinking you wanted to hand out candy canes to everyone and you have your pockets stuffed with them, don't do that, okay?"

4. I told him the exception to rule 3 is that he should not do things he sees other people doing if what the other people are doing is against what the person in charge has instructed.

So, just because you see other people talking, that doesn't mean it's okay to talk if the director said don't talk. I taught a class on table manners to the youth a few weeks ago. In it I said, "Don't do anything until your host has done it first. This includes sitting down at the table, putting your napkin in your lap or starting to eat."

My son came home and said he'd found a loophole in that rule that if he could trick the host into doing something ill-mannered first then HE would be permitted to do the same ill-mannered thing.

So, I pointed out to him that it's NEVER okay to be ill-mannered, even if your host is, but even GOOD MANNERED things should not be done until the host does them first.

Tricky rule for him.


So, I've been at every rehearsal and have had to correct only the smallest things. He looks to me frequently. I didn't tell him to. It's what he does. When I'm in the room, he checks in with me visually at least once a minute. We have hand signals for me to indicate to him:

"Stop talking"

"Scoot over" (my son does not scoot. If you direct a line to scoot down and don't mention him by name, he'll let kid after kid pile up into him. For most people, having someone smack into your shoulder lets you know there's a problem. Not my son. Won't bother him at all. Shoulder smack all you like, he doesn't move down until you call his name and tell him to.)

"Calm Down" (I use this one when I see him getting too exaggerated in his responses.)

"Stop Being Weird" (there's probably a more gentle way to put it, but this is what we've always used. Lets him know that the reason he needs to stop is because it looks weird to others.)

"Pay Attention" (He actually doesn't have to. When he was in school they said they never knew how he knew all the instructions because all through the lesson he'd be twirling and humming and looking down. Then he'd do the assignment perfectly. But, sometimes he misses instructions because of his autism, not because he was looking down or appearing distracted. However, this causes the people in charge to THINK he missed the instruction because he wasn't paying attention. I've explained to him that it's pleasing to people for him to LOOK like he's listening in addition to actually listening.)

"Stop Eating Your Script"


WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY would he follow these subtle instructions from me when he doesn't even think they are necessary? Because I've asked him to and I told him that it hurts people's feelings if he doesn't follow their social rules. So, he's willing to put all of his concentration into doing things their way. Even though it's hard for him. And boring. And stressful. He tries because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. This is a tender hearted boy.