I have all these fancy ideas about what I'm *supposed to* be. I have lengthy lists of accomplishments that I should be regularly achieving. I imagine that most other reputable people are achieving these accomplishments. I imagine that it is my vast slothfulness and near total lack of self-discipline that keeps me from accomplishing them.
These are some of the things I think I ought to be able to do regularly:
o Keep my house clean and organized so that I can find anything in it that I know I possess.
o Keep my laundry in a constant state of doneness so that all of our clothes save a few are neatly hung in our closets and those few are neatly sorted into (non-overflowing) laundry baskets waiting to be washed.
o Avoid all bad habits. (Don't bite my nails, drink soda, slouch, watch soap operas, eat in front of the television or play addictive internet games. Obviously, also avoid any bad habits that violate church standards like swearing, drinking alcohol/coffee or watching R rated movies.)
o Train my children up in the way they should go with complete patience.
o Meet all my spiritual expectations (visiting teaching, temple attendance, food storage and emergency preparedness-- purchase it, organize it, use it, rotate it -- , gardening, reading and pondering every talk from conference, twice daily personal prayer, twice daily family prayer, twice daily couples prayer, daily scripture study, daily family scripture study, daily journal writing, weekly family home evening which should probably include at least one visual aid. I'm certain I'm forgetting at least 12 other things that ought to be there.)
o Do extra things that make my children have a fun childhood (decorate for holidays, create traditions, go on vacations, keep scrapbooks of their major life events and milestones, encourage the development of their talents and interests.)
o Do all I can to meet our budget (spend nothing, use coupons to save all I can, make food from scratch whenever possible.)
o Help my extended family (manage my dad's condo rentals, try to figure out my in-laws, make decent attempts to recognize the birthdays of my 40+ nieces and nephews, recognize the birthdays of Ric's aunts and other relatives, send out Christmas cards.)
o Be in charge of all holiday, birthday, wedding, ANY gift shopping.
o Be in charge of all medical appointments.
o Run all the finances, do all the banking, and do our annual taxes.
o Spend precious and meaningful one on one time with each of my children at least once a week.
o Care for my health. (eat well, avoid sweets and junk food, get enough sleep, avoid stress, exercise regularly, floss, try to figure out why I'm supposed to avoid things like corn syrup and PABA.)
o Save my poor, dear husband from being my ONLY social outlet by building friendships with others. Attempt to keep those friendships without embarrassing myself by acting like an oaf who was raised by wolves. Sloppy, grumpy wolves.
o Cook really good food at home so that my family does not feel deprived that we don't go to restaurants often.
o Create holiday magic. On every holiday. Even Groundhog Day.
o Care for my relationship with my husband (plan weekly date nights, attend ward temple night together, spend much time sitting around making googly eyes at each other, don't snap at him if he says regular, non judgemental things like, "Have you seen my church folder?")
o Make Herculean efforts to comprehend my son's autism and give him the proper attention and intervention that he needs.
o Mind my nasty temper.
o Be a considerate neighbor who remembers birthdays, drops off goodies at Halloween, Valentine's Day and Christmas and delivers soup and tends the children of those who are ill.
o Do some yard work. Ever.
o Do things that organized people do (hold a weekly family council where the children can talk with Ric and I about their concerns and questions and we update our family calendar with the upcoming week's events, sort socks into pairs and put them into drawers, clip the cats' claws before they destroy all my couches, get rid of the gladware lids that don't have matching gladware anymore...)
o Give all my children an exceptional education at home. Don't lose their homeschool books and supplies.
Taken one at a time, these seem like good things that really, really should not be ignored. But, all together, it's a ridiculous list of personal expectations. Which do I get rid of? Usually it's the ones where I take care of my own health, teach the kids and mind my temper. Those are the ones that get pushed to the bottom of the list or jump off the list entirely in a huff of impatience.
I don't know. I need lower standards. I need to not care about what I *should* do. I feel I must care about spiritual shoulds and family related shoulds. So, do I not care about my health shoulds? or holiday fun shoulds? or shoulds for neighbors and relatives? financial shoulds? organizational shoulds (which effect financial shoulds)?
Maybe I'm just a crazy girl lately trying to stave off my pending holiday gloom and doom. I am so not looking forward to December and it's coming whether I want it to or not. That's another post.
Ok, I know what it's like to not want to let anything slip. But obviously you have to figure out what is least important on this list. From an outsider perspective I'd say take care of your family and yourself before neighbors and friends. Also, minor holidays are on the chopping block unless there is something *so* easy on Family Fun that you just can't skip it. And lower standards all around, especially for the expectations of what you *should* be able to do.
ReplyDeleteI read a blog post recently that relates to this somewhat - maybe there's something useful in there. It's more about work than real life, though, so maybe not. http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/how-to-apply-the-8020-rule-to-earn-more-work-less-and-dominate/
Ok, now I want to cry. you are going to hate me over my last post. My expectations are extremely low in every other aspect of my life, but there are a FEW things that ARE priorities to me...and if I can JUST accomplish the priorities, I have NO guilt. I TRY to put them first in my day, and they can ALL be accomplished within an hour or so...and if for some reason they can't all happen 1st thing, I can easily find some small chunks of time throughout the day to spread them out and get it all done. The only MUSTS are Family prayer, family scripture study, ONE cleaning project, and exercise (which is new on the list...I HATE it, but I do it because I know I SHOULD).
ReplyDeleteI say, pick the priorities and make sure those get done no matter what....then spread the others out in rotations over a month or a years worth of time, so they all get hit periodically. THAT IS BALANCE...even if you don't get to certain things as often as you would wish. Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. Lower the expectations, and don't compare yourself to anyone else. Not many other people with 5 kids (one with autism) HOMESCHOOL their kids....let alone manage apartments etc. Just do what is most important to YOU and let the rest go. I think you are amazing!
Kim is right about rotating some things over *years*. I realized recently that right now, with three young boys, is my time to *accept* help like dinners when the baby was born. Later when they are older and I have a bit more breathing room, it will be my time to take dinners to new moms and people when they're sick and take treats to neighbors for no reason at all...
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