The Virtue of Shutting Up

For years and years I wanted to be the person who was brave enough to say things that needed to be said. I try to stand up for people that seem to need standing up for. I try to not let myself be bullied. I try to not let anyone get away with manipulation.

This is a process that is not well received. I've found that even when I think I'm being helpful to someone, both the person I'm speaking to and the person I'm trying to help are unhappy about it.

So, it's a little curious why it took me so long to figure this out.

Recently I realized that if someone else says or does something atrocious, my best and most gracious response may be to say nothing at all. It had simply not occurred to me in the past that other people might occasionally say things they regret and they will realize their comments are regrettable ALL ON THEIR OWN.

This system is faaaaarrrrrrr superior to my prior method. Previously, I'd be in the company of someone rude and/or crazy and would plan to defend myself or others. At the end of it, we both just ended up looking rude and/or crazy.

It seems that if a person is a jerk, I have the option of leaving it alone. I can be still about it. I can say nothing. And, (here's the part that stuns me) it's actually better.

Doing Not! One! Thing! is actually GOOD for my PR. How can this be?????? I have no idea.

Talent Swap

I have the following talents that I am no longer using:


telling jokes on stage
being the center of attention
making conversation on a first date
collecting marriage proposals
earning a steady paycheck


I would like to trade them in for these talents which are more apropos to my current life:

gardening
sewing
organization
decorating
photography
friend making
tact
general decorum


Is there a craigslist category for this sort of thing?

blog trickery

I've decided that blogs make people look good.

I choose the pictures.


I choose the stories.


I choose the spin on the stories.


I edit the details.



Also, if you smoosh all of my entries of all of my doings together and get to read them in a row, it'll look like we do lots of stuff. Really, we only do fun stuff a few times a month (if that) and the inbetween stuff is all doldrums. But, smooshed together in the blog, we'll look like we are ALL ABOUT THE FUN!


like it.


Now I just gotta wait for some fun stuff to show up. Nothing yet.

My Homeschooling Tips

My Frequently Asked Questions on Homeschooling:

Q: HOW DO YOU TEACH THEM ALL AT ONCE?

A: I don't. All of them read. So, I'll work one on one with one child at a time while the others work on reading something and doing their work in an easier subject that doesn't require my assistance. I usually only have to teach one on one with math and all the other subjects the kids can read the material and do the assignment on their own.

Q: WHAT ABOUT WHEN THEY WERE YOUNGER?

A: When they were younger, I had fewer that were school-aged that needed teaching. There have been times when I'll work with 2 at once and the others have non-school assignments. So, I'd sit with RJ and Annalyn -- RJ gets a reading assignment while I teach Annalyn letters. During this same time Patrick would be on duty to keep Connor out of mischief and make sure they both got chores done. Then I swap them around.

Q: WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU HAVE A BABY?

A: We do our best. I can use the same system of assigning one child to entertain the baby while I teach the other kids or I'll assign an older child to help teach a younger child while the other 2 students read and I care for the baby. You're usually only talking about a few months when the baby needs very constant attention and then the baby is old enough to want to crawl and play on a blanket a little with an older child sitting nearby to sing and interact with him.

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH YOUR TODDLER WHILE YOU TEACH?

A: I assign an older child to play with him if he's being really mischievous or I give him a little project or toy to play with to keep him busy or I put him in front of Noggin for a few hours. Yup, TV's not perfect, but neither is public school or yelling at my kids. He really does learn stuff from Noggin because they are learning shows.

Q: DO YOU TEACH THEM ALL THE SAME THING?

A: We've done that when they were younger. I have a unique situation. Patrick can be taught at the same level as RJ and, often, Connor can be taught at the same level as Patrick AND RJ. So, when RJ was in second grade and Patrick was in kindergarten and Connor was 3, I taught all of them vocabulary and reading and how to write paragraphs at the same level. I taught them all art at the same level and history and science. And they could all read by that time.

Q: WHAT CURRICULUM DO YOU USE TO TEACH THEM NOW?

A: We use k12 (www.k12.com)for Connor and Annalyn and we use it through the school district (I didn't purchase it). I use Washington Online, NOT Utah Virtual Academy because Wash Online is less invasive. I like it because it's free and it's colorful and inviting to the kids and most of the working and planning is done for me. Also, the kids LOVE working on the computer AND we travel so frequently that it's convenient for them to get online wherever we are and look up their assignments instead of dragging 200 textbooks along with us.

For RJ and Patrick I started with Utah Virtual k12 for them this year (the ONLY option of k12 available to highschoolers for free in Utah) and it didn't work for us AT ALL. It didn't operate like the other k12 system at all and was very much like being in school and getting your assignments sent home with a friend if you were out sick for a week. Took me an hour a day at least JUST to figure out what needed to be turned in for the day and then I usually missed something and got it wrong anyway.

So, after one semester of THAT disaster, I removed RJ and Patrick from UTVA and got some college textbooks in various subjects at the Deseret Industries (thrift store). I got Economics, World Cultures, Algebra, Geography and a book with a chapter detailing the administration of each president through Reagan. Every day they are to read a chapter of World Cultures, a chapter in one of the science books, a chapter in the presidents book, 2 chapters in a classic novel and write me a paragraph of what they learned for the day. With the paragraph we work on structure, grammar, spelling, handwriting, punctuation, improve their writing skills, etc. Then we do a unit of math and a few of the odd numbered problems so they can check their answers in the back. We usually don't get to all of that every day, but we do what we can and they hit most subjects most days.

Q: HAVE YOU ALWAYS USED K12?

A: No, I'd been homeschooling for a few years before I heard about k12. I used to get my supplies for all their subjects from Latter Day Family Resources. (www.ldfr.com) We'd do our daily learning and then the kids would write me a paragraph about what they learned. So even my very young children knew the proper format for writing an introduction sentence, making the elements of their thesis parallel, using transitions and adding a concluding sentence.

Q:WHAT ABOUT TESTS?

A: I personally don't give tests because I know if my kids have got a concept down or not. If not, then we take more time on it. If they get it right away, then we don't waste time on it. The younger kids have an "assessment" at the end of their lessons that gives them a few sample questions to see if they've got the concept and my kids do those. Also, the younger kids go for state testing twice a year because it's part of what we've agreed to in exchange for getting the k12 curriculum for free. (Homeschoolers in our district are not normally required to do any testing.)

Q: HOW DO YOU DO IT?

A: This is what I wonder about people who have their kids in public school. When my kids were in school, I had a horrible time trying to figure out what was due every day and then making sure they actually turned it in after they did the work and that they had done it the way it was supposed to be done. I think public school is hard, too. At least this way I don't have anyone telling me what to do and I KNOW when my kids have done their work or not.

Q:WHY DO YOU DO IT?

A: Many, many reasons. I like it. The kids like it. It works for our family. Each of my kids has their own reason why public school didn't work for them. NONE of my kids asked to be homeschooled. It was my decision. I saw that public school was not working for their education and well-being. Homeschooling does.

Q: WHAT IF YOUR KIDS REALLY WANTED TO GO TO SCHOOL? WOULD YOU LET THEM?

A: I believe my children are allowed to have their preferences. I believe in making as few rules as we need to make. (I do not, for instance, make rules about no shoes on my couch or no running in the house. I don't need to be the rule nazi.) However, the education of my children is MY decision and my husband's decision. NOT the kids' decision. I would not let my children choose to attend a different church every week or not go to church at all or not go to school at all or never take a math class or not do any chores or any of the other non-healthy decisions that my kids might make about difficult things because they are too young to have the self-discipline to do difficult things on their own. It is MY job to make choices on their education. Their spiritual and their secular education. So, I will listen to their requests and I will consider them, but, ultimately, it's up to me to know what is best for them at a certain time and also to know my limits.

Q:WHAT IF THEY WANTED TO GO TO SCHOOL PART TIME?

A: This is an option in Utah and we've done it before. RJ wanted to take a few classes at the brand new jr high when he entered 7th grade. What I found was, it's the homeschooling that gets cheated. And, the public schooling was getting cheated too. His part time at school left him feeling like that was just an option -- not something that he had to take seriously. Then he'd come home and I'd have a horrible time getting him to take homeschooling seriously also since he'd felt that he'd already shut off his school brain. Nothing was getting done.

So, we don't do part school because it chips away at too much of the homeschooling day for us.

Q: DO YOU DO ANYTHING ELSE DURING HOMESCHOOLING TIME OR IS THAT TIME JUST FOR SCHOOL?

A: I've found that homeschooling will always be the thing that gets cheated if you don't protect that time. So, I will do other little things during our homeschooling hours (drs appts, visiting teaching) but I try to make those as infrequent as I can. We don't answer the phone or the door during homeschool time. I like to have control of the schedule and not let other people decide when we take a break. This can be frustrating to people who are trying to reach me, but, I guess I'll just have to be frustrating.

Q: DO YOU WORRY THAT YOUR KIDS AREN'T GETTING EVERYTHING THEY NEED FOR THEIR EDUCATION?

A: Yes. Doesn't every mom? No matter where they school their kids? I know that not all of my kids would be getting straight A's in public school. So, even though I don't give grades, I know there are things that they might not be doing great in at home. When I spend much time with public schooled kids, though, I see all the things my kids CAN do that many public school children cannot do. Like chores, and cooking and manners, and respect, and kindness, and honesty, and good communication, and charity. These are the things we have time to teach in our school. If they learn all that but don't make it past algebra in high school, I'm not so worried.

Q: WHAT ABOUT SOCIALIZATION?

A: Don't ask a seasoned homeschooler this question unless you are ready for an earful. This is the question that public schools feed to parents to make them too afraid to homeschool their children. This is not a legitimate question. My kids are better socialized than most any public school children I've seen. And that includes the one with autism. He's doing better than any of the public schooled autistic children that we encountered in our social skills class and his teachers were the ones that noticed that.

I do think social skills can be an issue if you have a family that lives on a farm, very remotely, and the children never see anyone outside of family. If that's the situation, I think the family can still homeschool, but ought to make efforts to get the kids out with other children a few times a week. I also think it can be a problem if you have odd and reclusive parents who live in a city, but don't take their kids anywhere. But, I think those kids would end up odd in public school anyway because their parents are odd.

So, my answer to this is: Are you telling me that ALL public schooled children have good social skills? You NEVER met at an odd kid at your school? Of course you did. Odd kids happen. Homeschooling is not to blame.

Q:DO YOU THINK YOUR KIDS WILL BE TOO SHELTERED? THAT THEY WON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL IN THE REAL WORLD?

A: No, I don't think that. My kids have to do hard things. My kids have dealt with bullies and peer pressure and teasing. My kids have been exposed to many ages of children. My kids know how to be understanding of those who are different. My kids know better than to make excuses. My kids comprehend the value of compassion. My kids know how to set and obtain long term goals. I think my kids are better prepared for the real world than most. I think this is because of the amount of time I have to work with them every day and the first hand knowledge I have of their daily lives.

Q: DO YOU GO ON FIELD TRIPS?

A: Oh my word. We could go on a field trip every day if we wanted to. There are so many great homeschooling groups in our area and they all set up these terrific, low priced or free field trips and let all the other moms know about it. There are library groups and park groups and reading groups and political groups and lego groups and pokemon groups and historical groups and cultural groups and science groups and and and and...Then of course there are field trips to all the amazing things to do in Utah. I'm sure every town has these things. The way I found out about them is through my homeschool groups.

Q: HOW DO YOU FIND OUT ABOUT ALL THE FIELD TRIPS?

A: Yahoo groups. I belong to about 8 different Yahoo homeschool groups (homeschoolingahouseful, austismhomeschooling, ldshomeschoolers, lds_k12, utahhomeschoolers, westjordanhomeschoolers, southvalleyteens, for example) and I get group emails every day telling me what's coming up.

Q: DO YOU GO ON ALL THE FIELD TRIPS?

A: We try to save our field trips until the fall holidays come up. So, in August and September, we spend our time re-establishing our homeschooling routine and don't try to add in field trips until the really fun Halloween stuff comes up in October. We couldn't possibly go on every field trip or there would never be time for school. We pick our favorites.

Q: DO YOU TAKE THE SUMMERS OFF?

A: A little bit. In the summers we're always doing more hands on learning and fiction book learning than textbook learning. Also, we continue piano and other arts in the summer. This summer I plan to teach a missionary prep class (cooking to RJ and ironing to Patrick and then gospel doctrine) to the older boys and teach church history to Connor and teach cursive to Annalyn. I think all day long of no work in the summertime just makes my kids unhappy and restless. They appreciate their fun time more if they have a little work time first.

Q: HOW LONG DO YOU HOMESCHOOL IN THE DAY?

A: I try to get our work done by lunchtime. I have a hard time getting everyone organized and back to work after lunch. I try to at least get the parts that they need my instruction for done in the morning so that I can run the house in the afternoon. So, we work for about 3 hours. We start at 9ish and end at noonish. For our house, I need to be organized and flexible because I can't be freaking out every time something is not according to schedule. There are too many things in a house of 5 kids ages 17 to 3 that will not be according to schedule.

However, our *school time* goes until 3pm. That means that until 3pm we are doing learning. It doesn't have to be book learning, but it needs to be learning. If you've finished your schoolwork and your chores then you can go play but you cannot play on the internet or watch tv or play video games until after 3pm. Those, to me, are not learning activities. However, jumping on the trampoline, playing a board game with your sister, reading a fiction book, playing at the park -- these are all things that are good for your development and are acceptable before 3:00 once schoolwork and chores are done.

The *no screen time before 3* rule also helps avoid other kids getting distracted by tv noise while they are trying to work. The exception to this rule is if I use the TV to keep the toddler busy on crazy days or if someone is very very sick (throwing up all morning) I will let them watch tv to help distract them from their misery. Regular sick days you may go back to bed and read or sleep if you're not feeling well.

[If you don't overuse the tv in your home, then it can really be a help to mom on the days that SHE is throwing up sick, too. Kids will be super good for a day of tv if it's not the norm.]

Q: WHAT ABOUT MATH?

A: What about math? I love math. I'll teach my kids math and math and math. I can teach them all the way up to calculus and then at that level I'd need to be learning it along with them. But, if you're not strong in math or you hate it (like me with creative writing which I despise!!) then either have your husband teach it (if he likes it) or just hire it out. People do this for music lessons, why not math?

Q:HOW DO YOU GET YOUR HOUSEWORK DONE?

A: When the kids were younger it was harder. When I'm pregnant it's harder. But, with older kids and no pregnancy we do alright. One wise friend hires a housekeeper to help her at home. She says that some mothers scoff at her for not caring for her own house. Her reply? "You send your kids to be taught by someone else and clean your own house. I teach my own kids and have my house cleaned by someone else. What's the difference??" Perfect. Get help if you need it and can afford it. If you can't afford it, do your best (www.flylady.net) and only invite people to dinner who will be understanding.

Hiring help once a week for 2-4 hours might be more affordable than you think. Especially in this economy. Check on craigslist or ksl.com for people looking for extra income or ask your neighbors. A housekeeper doesn't have to clean your whole house either. I had someone come in just to do my kitchen and bathrooms. I figured that my kids could handle vacuuming and dusting in the other rooms and if they didn't do it right well then at least the kitchen and baths would look good. :) I'm surprised how many people will pay for preschool for their children or private lessons or schooling for their children but think that a housekeeper is an unaffordable luxury.

You don't have to have help (I have at times in the past but do not now), but don't turn your nose up at it because it's expensive and then PAY to have your kids educated by someone else.

Q:DO YOU TEACH EVERY SUBJECT EVERY DAY?

A: I like to do a little math and English every day. (It doesn't always work out that way, but we try.) These are the core things that cannot be left out. If I only did them one day a week and then something came up on that day, then they'd be missed for a whole week and that's a problem. So, we try to do a few lessons of math and English a day and then a unit of something else: art, history, science, language. They practice piano daily.


Q:WHAT DO YOU TELL FAMILY AND FRIENDS THAT DON'T APPROVE OF HOMESCHOOLING?

A: As little as possible. Don't bring it up because it IS controversial. If someone asks then you answer and if it upsets them you can say, "Well, I'm sorry it upsets you, but you asked and I answered." Don't poke the bear.

After you've homeschooled for a few years and they can see your children are not weird or stoopid, they'll mellow out. Or not. What do you care? You get to play with your kids all day. And, honestly, you probably don't approve of all THEIR decisions for their kids either.

Q: WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR NEW HOMESCHOOLERS?

A: lots.

1. Give your kids time to de-school when they first get removed from school. Start teaching them but be patient with the process. They will make you crazy at first. Don't be fooled. It will not always be like this. It might take you the first full school year to find your rhythm and what works for your kids. Many new homeschoolers give up after the first year which is a shame because the second year is so much better and where all the fun is. Progress, not perfection.

2. Realize that the public schools want your child there because it means money to them, not because they love you. Don't ask their advice on homeschooling and don't listen to any unsolicited advice they decide to offer. [And they VERY SELDOM know the homeschooling laws in your district either so don't bother asking them those. Find an online homeschool group in your area for questions on local laws.] Remember, if your kid isn't learning times tables, they turn it over to you, the parent, to work with the child at home until he learns them. The schools recognize that parents are capable of teaching their child out of a textbook just like a teacher is.

3. A teacher's education is super important and valuable and as a homeschooling parent I advise you to learn all you can about how to teach. But, you don't have to be a formally educated teacher to teach your own child. A public school teacher has to teach TONS of children with all different learning styles and they only get 9 months with each. You'll teach a few of your own children that you know very well. It's different and it's easier.

4. There will be some subjects that your kids won't ace at home. There will be some lessons that your kids don't fully get. You can choose to take extra time on these lessons if you want or you can choose to just move on with the understanding your child does have. It works this way in school also. Even a straight A student doesn't have to get 100% on EACH assignment in order to maintain an A.

5. Take joy where you find it. If one day just seems to scream to you that everyone needs to get out and have fun -- do that. The schools have movie days sometimes too and they spend a large percentage of their day JUST on discipline and crowd control. If you're schooling most days then you'll be fine.

6. Stay focused on the fullness of the education you're offering your children at home. Perhaps they won't learn to be dodgeball champions, but will they learn to do their chores without complaint? Will they learn to communicate sincerely with their little brother in an argument instead of manipulating? Will they learn that some skills like math or spelling are not impossible to master but perhaps just take a little more time and effort with some people? Will they learn their own personal strengths go beyond just grades and athletic awards? Will they learn their worth? You're doing a great work with long term rewards.

7. Join yahoo groups that suit what's unique about your family (your region, your religion, the size of your family, any special needs, your interests, etc) and find homeschooling friends online and in person that can support you. Otherwise you'll get this image that EVERYONE ELSE is doing it better than you.

8. Spend some time with kids that are publicly schooled so you can see that they aren't perfect either.

9. If your husband or family is REALLY giving you a hard time about homeschooling, start with k12.com. It's available through the school district as an at home charter school in many states. Then, you can tell people that your child IS a public school student, but he's in a home study program (or, if you're dealing with someone really contentious, then you just leave out that second half.) It seems to put people at ease to know that somehow the government is involved. Whatever.

10. In your first year of homeschooling, combat naysayers by teaching your kids a few party tricks. If your 5 year old knows all the states and capitals, for instance, or your 7 year old has learned the name of every bone in the human hand (there are songs that teach these things), that can quickly shut up Aunt Polly who taught 3rd grade in public school for 16 years and thinks it's appalling that you've removed your children from that noble institution.

11. Some moms hold off on teaching reading and don't worry about it 'till later. I think this is an acceptable approach, but, for me, I would feel it's too risky. So, I teach my kids to read on schedule or earlier and I think it makes my life easier. When they can read, they can work independently that much sooner -- at least on a few subjects. It's a sanity saver.

12. Get tips from people other than me. I don't have all the answers and I don't have it all together all (or any of) the time. Most homeschoolers are pretty willing to share what they know with you and offer support.

Which Loved Best?

WHICH LOVED BEST?
by Joy Allison (1917)

"I love you, Mother, said little John;
Then, forgetting his work, his cap went on.
And he was off to the garden swing,
Leaving his mother the wood to bring.

"I love you, Mother, said rosy Nell,
"I love you more than tongue can tell."
Then she teased and pouted full half the day.
Till her mother rejoiced when she went to play.

I love you, Mother," said little Nan,
"To-day I'll help you all that I can;
How glad I am that school doesn't keep!"
So she rocked the babe till he fell asleep.

Then stepping softly, she took the broom,
And swept the floor, and dusted the room.
Busy and happy all day was she;
Helpful and happy as a child could be.

"I love you, Mother," again they said,
Three little children going to bed.
How do you think that mother guessed
Which of them really loved her best?

The Box Of Poo

After reading Kim's post about The Poop Bucket (used for storing the dog poop scooped from the yard saving the time it takes to unlock the garbage each time and shove it in there) in her yard, I decided to post a little something about The Box of Poo.

In our 2 story home which has snow covering the outside for at least 3 months of the year, I don't always want to take EVERY diaper to the trashcan on the side of the house as soon as it's changed.

I've had diaper pails in the past, but find I never want to take it out so it gets super gross waiting to be emptied and then it's smelly inside because it was full for too long.

My solution was The Bum Box.

The Bum Box is any cardboard box placed on the back porch that I can toss diapers into. Then the entire thing can go into the garbage with no smelly receptacle left behind and no bag to replace.

Ric HATES The Bum Box.

HATES.
THE.
BUM.
BOX.


HATES.


Ric says, "Do you know how much I hate having a box of POO at my house? Why do we have to have a box of POO?"

With the addition of the second 2 year old to our house last winter (foster care), I also made a Bum Box for upstairs so that I didn't have to walk down a flight of stairs eleventy times a day to take a diaper to the back porch Bum Box. The upstairs Bum Box lived in the utility closet and a child was assigned to take it out to the big garbage daily.

Ric says, "You know how much I hate The Box of Poo. How much do I hate having one OUTSIDE my bedroom??"

I know Ric would prefer that I walk each individual diaper directly to the landfill, but, that taint gonna happen.

This summer, we have no un-pottytrained children in the house. Ric trained the last one during my winter trip to California. No More Box of Poo! We're so excited. We are livin' the dream!

beaches, meetings and teenage angst.

Low news day.

We were going to go to the beach and then we didn't.


We shopped for a chair for my brother's mother in law.




Found this comfy chair. Tested it for comfiness. It passed.

We went to a fabric store where I looked around blankly not comprehending anything I was seeing. I suspect at least some of it was fabric.

I was serious when I said my life is mundane. Especially this week. I'm on vacation with my family and my oldest child. ONE child. ONE mostly self-sufficient child. It's like I'm retired. If I lost the use of my legs, I probably wouldn't even notice until I ran out of snacks within reach.

Went to a meeting for Girls Camp last night. Not my meeting. Not my stake. Not my girls. I was just going along. Ended up being surprisingly difficult for me. Reminded me of when I went to girl's camp. That reminded me of being a teenager. That reminded me of being unhappy and fat and nerdy and made fun of.

Had to stop paying attention to the meeting and read a church book I had brought along instead. Weird how that hit me. Irritating that I was bothered.

The beginning of this book talked about a girl who wasn't going to pass 6th grade because of her math and spelling skills. Got me thinking how grade school didn't bother me much. I mean, they pulled me out of mainstream classes in second grade and put me into classes that better suited me academically. I NEVER had to mingle with the intellectual hoi polloi outside of lunch, recess and church.

Junior high changed all of that. I was suddenly thrown in with the general public. And of course, I am entirely lacking social skills. Oh, and I was fat. Oh, and I can't dress competently and had ZERO fashionable clothes EVER.

Odd thing is, now that I'm so exceedingly old, I wish I had been EVEN MORE nerdy. I wish I had held onto that nerdiness that I had and never tried to change me. The things I was comfortable with, are GREAT traits to have as an adult and as a parent. My regrets now are that, throughout my life, I have not been nerdy enough, reserved enough, disconnected from the world enough. As bad as I was, it's too bad I wasn't even worse. 'Cause that would sure make me a better mom.


Thanks for listening.

The Blog

I've heard it noised around that I should keep a blog. I do disagree. I'm too mundane, too opinionated, too loud-mouthed to write all the stuff that isn't going on in my life and all of my unappreciated thoughts upon it.

But, I've been inspired by this blog:

http://loudonmadnessandmayhem.blogspot.com

to perhaps try to contribute a little something different to the internet than I had been putting out there previously.

I'm fairly sure it'll end up like this shirt:



but hear that it ought not to matter if I have readers or not. I should write for myself, they say. (???? I'm supposed to schlep my frontal lobe all the way to the computer JUST for myself??? No audience? I don't get it...)

I need to shake off my *karate guess so* attitude and replace it with an *OK, I'll do it!* one. So, here it is. Remember, it wasn't my idea.