How To Get Ready For Christmas -- A Comparison

MOM'S CHRISTMAS TO DO LIST:

Spring:

Talk to the relatives you see at Easter about their Christmas visiting plans.
Scrapbook the photos from last Christmas.

Summer:

Make holiday travel plans
Prepare list of whom to shop for
Gather gift ideas
Begin crafting homemade gifts
Start hunting for sales on large gift items
Organize the garage and move Christmas decorations to a convenient location

Autumn:

Plan the Christmas menu
Plan the menu for all meals for your visiting Christmas guests
Shop for gifts for out of town relatives
Plan to have the family Christmas photo taken
Start shopping for holiday grocery items
Start Christmas shopping for family, friends, co-workers, neighbors

Winter:

Decorate the inside of the house for Christmas
Decorate the outside of the house for Christmas
Put up the Christmas tree
Decorate the Christmas tree
Purchase stocking stuffers
Purchase gift wrap, tape, bows, ribbons and tags
Do the Christmas baking for neighbors
Finish purchasing all the gifts, making sure each child has a gift for Dad.
Wrap all the gifts
Wait in line at the post office to mail out of town gifts
Turn the Christmas lights on at night. Turn them off in the morning.
Clean the house for guests
Pack for Christmas travel
Clean out the car for Christmas travel
Prepare the Family Christmas Newsletter
Prepare the Family Photo Christmas Card
Purchase envelopes and stamps
Gather addresses of family and friends
Address and mail the Family Newsletter and Family Christmas Card
Help the Children write their Christmas wish lists
Plan meaningful family Christmas traditions
Plan breakfast for Christmas morning
Stuff stockings, including your own
Cook Christmas dinner
Clean up and get children to help clean up from Christmas dinner
Take copious photos of the holiday events for springtime scrapbooking
Send out Thank You cards from the family
Take down all the Christmas decorations and store them for next year


DAD'S CHRISTMAS TO DO LIST:

1. Stop at Walmart on your way home from work on December 23rd to pick out something for your wife.

2. On Christmas morning, hand your wife her gift still in the Walmart bag.

Things That Happen in Hallmark Channel Christmas Movies That Don't Happen EVER in Reality

The Hallmark Channel started their Christmas season last Saturday with 24 hours of Christmas movies and specials running through December 25th. It's been well publicized that I'm inexplicably dreading the holiday/my birthday season this year so I wanted to get out ahead of my humbuggery and try to capture some Christmas Spirit. I thought I'd test drive the Hallmark Christmas movies to manage the job.

Oy!

I can put up with a LOT of sap. I will tolerate MANY plot manipulations. And, I can't see a twist in the story line coming even if it's spelled out in the subtitles. But, Hallmark is asking a great deal of my easy-to-entertain nature.

Here are a few of the things that go on in Hallmark ChristmasWorld that don't actually occur anywhere else in the universe:

1) There are a disproportionate number of orphans and young widows living in quaint little U.S. towns.

2) Christmas Eve at midnight is the favorite time for greedy landlords to foreclose on the local Community Center or Senior Living Home.

3) Banks and lending institutions are conveniently open until 11:59pm on December 24th, ready to accept last minute payments of money to save a property from foreclosure.

4) At Christmastime, all towns will contain an assortment of the following:

o a lovely and overworked young widow,

o a Christmas curmudgeon,

o a judgmental and criticizing neighbor who makes nice people feel inadequate,

o a charlatan out to take advantage of people at Christmas,

o a workaholic executive who doesn’t know how to slow down and put family first at the holidays,

o a precocious little boy who desperately needs a good father figure in his life,

o someone who believes in Christmas Magic,

o a young and handsome bachelor who seems to be the only one that realizes the lonely woman in town actually looks like a super model,

o an eccentric drifter who causes the townspeople to rethink their ways,

o a country music singer

5) Single parent families have amazingly lavish and well decorated homes.

6) Children with no father and a mother who works 12 hours daily turn out to be very well adjusted.

7) Gorgeous women with lush hair, nose jobs and augmentation surgery work exclusively in soup kitchens.

8) Orphans are available for adoption at any time. If, for instance, you should decide on Christmas morning that you’d like to adopt a particular orphan, no paperwork or formalities are required other than you announcing your intentions to the child around the Christmas tree. No government officials will need to have an opinion about this. The child may begin living with you immediately. Orphans are instantly in love with any family that will take them in.

9) Single people love to host large holiday meals even though they have no idea how to cook.

10) Really attractive people are far more selfless and generous than unattractive people.

11) Most people prefer to do their Christmas shopping after work on December 24th. All stores in town are open in anticipation of this.

12) Any person who decides to *change their ways* on Christmas Day will remain permanently changed and never again be tempted to act or think as they have in the past.


That being said, I still plan to watch the Hallmark Christmas movies. I will do this because I have hope that one of them will put me in the mood for Christmas. Also, every so often I will watch one that's pretty nice. And, finally, I will continue to watch because I don't think this list is long enough yet.

The One in Which I Try to Understand Balance

A few days ago I made my impossible list of shoulds. It is worth noting that I do not, nor ever have, accomplished anywhere near all of those shoulds. Some of them I have never done even once. But, they are the things that fill up my mind as goals that I would be attaining if only I were more disciplined.

I wrote them all out to show myself that I need to rid my mind of the thought that these are things that can all be done simultaneously. I cannot carry around bad feelings and low self esteem because I am not getting all of these things done. To do them all at the same time is an unrealistic expectation. Maybe some people are doing all of those things (and you know my mind always thinks of those people when I'm trying to talk myself down) but I am not one of those people. I do not have their energy. It is different for me and I must know that the Lord does not expect all of that from me right now.

I must not compare. I must not despise myself for being a person who DOES require 8 hours of sleep a night and also, especially now while still recovering from my blood transfusion debacle, sometimes needs a nap during the day, too.

I must remember that this means I will not be able to do the things that are impressive to others. I may not get Christmas cards sent. I may not get a card made for the birthdays of the sisters I visit teach. I may not have a bedroom that's clean enough and devoid of piles of laundry enough that my mother will not tsk tsk at me when she visits. Flylady might not approve of the appearance of my kitchen sink. People who haven't seen me for a while might sneer at me for putting on weight and being out of shape**. No, I am not going to be impressive to others. Not at all.

**[You would know this already if anyone ever took my photo. I am not so vain as to avoid posting current pictures of myself because I don't look fantastic in them. But, no one takes pictures of me. Sometimes I wonder if I am a vampire who doesn't show up on film. Seriously, all recent pictures of me are because I have scheduled professional family photos and hired someone to take my picture, taken the picture myself with an outstretched hand or said to someone "Please take my picture because I want to make a photo album of this and I want proof that I was here, too. My grandkids will want to know what I looked like." If I were a fabulous photographer I would excuse this anamoly by saying, "Well, I am the one that takes all the photos because I'm a great photographer so I don't end up in any of them." That is not the case. I am the WORST photographer and should NEVER be in charge of picture taking.]

I've had in my mind that I can be both Martha and Mary. I can keep up appearances AND do all the things my soul needs as well. What happens when I try this is that I go through a cycle of hating life, hating everyone, yelling and complaining a lot until I rebel against my extra responsibilities and ignore them for a time while feeling wretched about it. Then I try to get everything off of my mental To Do List in a flurry so my mind can be at peace. I soon discover that things get added to that list quicker than I can empty it. Then I get sad and start to wonder why I'm so flawed that I cannot get to the things that I'm expected to get to.

So, how do I balance?

I listened again to President Uchtdorf's talk on simplifying. I listened to Elder Dallin H. Oaks' talk Good, Better, Best. I put away laundry while I listened. I shooed kids out of my room while I listened. By the time that talk was done, I had at least 2 children lined up outside my door waiting for my time. How do I rejuvenate spiritually while telling my kids to get lost for a little bit so that Mommy remembers why it's all important?

I feel that at any given time while I am doing one good thing to please someone, I am giving up on doing tons of other good things and disappointing 12 other people.

I am a truly bad example of the peace that the gospel brings to our lives. To look at me most anyone would decide that it's much happier and more peaceful to ignore religion and just do whatever you want. No one should think this. I am a particularly tortured soul. I really am much more happy and at peace with the gospel in my life than without it. As tortured as I get, it gets much worse when I think I know better than God.

I feel I need an example in my life of someone to follow, someone to emulate. Yes, yes, the Savior, of course, but I mean someone who's life is similar to mine. Someone who lives in my time, is a housewife like me, a mom like me, a wife like me.

This week I keep thinking, "Is this something that President Monson would do?" Mostly the answer is, No. President Monson would not play solitaire while listening to scriptures. He would read along and ponder and study. President Monson would not watch a cooking show on the Food Network instead of playing a board game with his kids. President Monson doesn't spend time on Facebook. President Monson has three dimensional friends.

The other thing I've been thinking this week is, "What would the pioneers do about this?" I don't know where I got it into my head to start trying to think like a pioneer, but I think it has something to do with our very strict budget. I'll think to myself, "The pioneers didn't have processed food, the pioneers didn't run to McDonalds for dinner when they were tired, the pioneers didn't get pedicures to pamper themselves, the pioneers weren't weak like me and they didn't need any pampering or spoiling." So, I reason, the pioneers were able to deal with all the obligations and pressures that I deal with AND MORE without ANY spoiling at all. So, why am I such a baby that if I have a bad day I should get to go out to dinner or think about getting my nails done?

Therefore, I don't do these things. I don't go out. I don't buy things. I don't spend money on unnecessary items. And it's all because of this pioneer thing that makes me feel weak and full of excuses if I give in to modern conveniences.

I seriously do NOT spend money. I get a $10 haircut once every 6 months. I never buy clothes or shoes. I don't get my nails done. I don't color my hair or perm it. I rarely go to restaurants. I seldom buy processed food unless I have a special coupon for it or I buy a few items to keep on hand for emergency days. I think I'm a pretty affordable wife.

But as soon as I start thinking that, I tell myself, "Well, you OUGHT to be affordable. That's why you get to live in this fancy house and have a car to drive during the day and you don't even have to work." I mean how many people get to live as nice as I do and they don't even have to have jobs??? I am a spoiled, spoiled, ungrateful brat to complain.

Sometimes I think I could get more done if I did spoil myself more. That the spoiling would allow me to accomplish more without losing my temper. But then I quickly tell myself, "You have no job. You have an amazing husband. You basically do whatever you want all day long. How much more spoiling do you need you selfish cow?" [yeah, I spend too much time mentally referring to myself as a selfish cow. this should probably stop. but, that's another should.]

I'm still at a loss today. I don't know which things to give up on. Honestly, even if I rid my To Do List of everything EXCEPT spiritual NECESSITIES, family NECESSITIES (which include an education for my kids), life NECESSITIES (like going to the bank and store so we can eat and pay bills), and running the stupid condos (a task which cannot be done by anyone but me so there's no way out of it until they are sold), THAT list is already too full. Just keeping up with that list is so much that I am completely run down and at the end of my patience. Then I have to take a complete day off mid week to ignore everything so that I can be rested enough to resume the following day.

Today I realized how much it helped me to take a day off yesterday. I stayed in my lazy clothes. I did no housework. I did no school. I even went and got In N Out with Ric for my dinner. Today I felt like I could be ready to try again.

Then I started thinking, "How come I need a midweek day for this day off which kind of messes with our whole schedule? How come Sunday can't serve as that day off?" Well, because Sunday often becomes the busiest day of the whole week. [and mine isn't even that bad compared to most of the people I know.] Church on Sunday, of course, and then after church, meetings and going visiting teaching (because many of the people I visit are only available on Sundays) and receiving visiting teachers and receiving home teachers** and then we're asked to go to choir and sometimes there's even firesides that we're expected to be at.

**[This is really a separate rant, but, I don't think it's acceptable to make yourself difficult to visit teach or home teach. If your home teachers or visiting teachers have found a time that works for the two of them to come visit your family, then I think it's only good manners to try to make that appointment work if you can. So, I do not say to people, "Nah, I'd rather not have visitors at that time. Come up with some other time for me, wouldja?" Visiting Teaching and Home Teaching is hard enough without me being a princess about it.]

And it's not like Sunday is really a day OFF. It's not as if my family doesn't need to eat on Sunday or that dishes wash themselves on that day. I do prepare the food in advance and my kids are in charge of the dishes, but any mom knows that this does not mean tasks take care of themselves without some minding and reminding.

So what do all of these ramblings add up to? It adds up to I'm still trying to figure it out. Today's ideas are to continue praying for guidance to know what matters need my attention each day, to schedule more frequent temple attendance to help me find focus, and to make plans to get to Women's Conference next spring so that I can hear talks and inspiration that apply to the particular needs of women today. I would prefer to have something more than that. I'd prefer to have a system or a list of some kind to give me confidence when I feel like a failure.

I have also considered that maybe I really AM crazy and require medication and intervention, neither of which I am likely to pursue receiving at this time.

The One in Which I Realize I Talk More Than I Ought

I have a vivid life that goes on inside my head. Inside My Head Denise lives very differently than Real World Denise.

Inside My Head Denise imagines as she blogs (that's "BLOGS" and not "GLOBS" as my fingers tried THREE times to write instead of BLOGS)that she's doing lots of good with her posts.

Inside My Head Denise types and types and thinks:

"Wow, this is great stuff. This is going to speak to people. Others will read this and say to themselves, 'That's just like me! I feel that way, too! I'm so glad she wrote this!' "

This is different from the experience of Real World Denise (who often takes far too long to remember that Real World Denise and Inside My Head Denise are not identical.)

The blog experience of Real World Denise is:

People reading this post think, "You poor dear, I'm so sorry that you're not a competently functioning human. Please accept my advice and get yourself some professional help. Or some Percocet. Also, consider keeping more of your thoughts private."

Inside My Head Denise thinks she can save the world one blog post at a time. Real World Denise is, in fact, making the world think she's crazy one blog post at a time.


But, this post is about my larger problem which is: Words.

Inside My Head Denise thinks that words fix things. She wants to throw words at problems and turn them into non-problems. Inside My Head Denise FEELS a need for words FREQUENTLY.

When a person is troubled Inside My Head Denise says to herself, "There is someone who is troubled. I should put some words on that." Inside My Head Denise doesn't always know the right combination of words. She's not always certain which direction the words should be pointing or how many words are appropriate. Sometimes she's lucky to happen upon the right TONE for the words, whether or not the words themselves are correct.

So, Inside My Head Denise throws out words with a sympathetic, understanding, hopefully considerate-sounding tone. She says, "I'm so sorry. That must be very difficult." or "That's awful that you were treated that way." or "Geez! I'd be angry about that, too."

Inside My Head Denise thinks that these words soothe troubled people and make them feel understood.

Real World Denise quickly discovers that this is not always the case. Sometimes words make people irritable. Sometimes words make people defensive. Sometimes words make people bored with me.

When Real World Denise discovers this, Inside My Head Denise jumps right in and says, "Don't worry. I can fix that with MORE WORDS!"

Inside My Head Denise wants to use words to be understood. She wants to use words to soothe woes. She wants to use words to inspire nations and cower her enemies. Inside My Head Denise will create a messy situation with words and suppose she can repair it with additional words. If words don't work, she'll think the defect is not enough words. Clearly the remedy is an increase of words.

Inside My Head Denise THINKS she understands people. Real World Denise gets slammed frequently for this gross misconception. Real World Denise spends too much time mopping up after Inside My Head Denise.

The One in Which I am Not What I'm Supposed To Be

I have all these fancy ideas about what I'm *supposed to* be. I have lengthy lists of accomplishments that I should be regularly achieving. I imagine that most other reputable people are achieving these accomplishments. I imagine that it is my vast slothfulness and near total lack of self-discipline that keeps me from accomplishing them.

These are some of the things I think I ought to be able to do regularly:

o Keep my house clean and organized so that I can find anything in it that I know I possess.

o Keep my laundry in a constant state of doneness so that all of our clothes save a few are neatly hung in our closets and those few are neatly sorted into (non-overflowing) laundry baskets waiting to be washed.

o Avoid all bad habits. (Don't bite my nails, drink soda, slouch, watch soap operas, eat in front of the television or play addictive internet games. Obviously, also avoid any bad habits that violate church standards like swearing, drinking alcohol/coffee or watching R rated movies.)

o Train my children up in the way they should go with complete patience.

o Meet all my spiritual expectations (visiting teaching, temple attendance, food storage and emergency preparedness-- purchase it, organize it, use it, rotate it -- , gardening, reading and pondering every talk from conference, twice daily personal prayer, twice daily family prayer, twice daily couples prayer, daily scripture study, daily family scripture study, daily journal writing, weekly family home evening which should probably include at least one visual aid. I'm certain I'm forgetting at least 12 other things that ought to be there.)

o Do extra things that make my children have a fun childhood (decorate for holidays, create traditions, go on vacations, keep scrapbooks of their major life events and milestones, encourage the development of their talents and interests.)

o Do all I can to meet our budget (spend nothing, use coupons to save all I can, make food from scratch whenever possible.)

o Help my extended family (manage my dad's condo rentals, try to figure out my in-laws, make decent attempts to recognize the birthdays of my 40+ nieces and nephews, recognize the birthdays of Ric's aunts and other relatives, send out Christmas cards.)

o Be in charge of all holiday, birthday, wedding, ANY gift shopping.

o Be in charge of all medical appointments.

o Run all the finances, do all the banking, and do our annual taxes.

o Spend precious and meaningful one on one time with each of my children at least once a week.

o Care for my health. (eat well, avoid sweets and junk food, get enough sleep, avoid stress, exercise regularly, floss, try to figure out why I'm supposed to avoid things like corn syrup and PABA.)

o Save my poor, dear husband from being my ONLY social outlet by building friendships with others. Attempt to keep those friendships without embarrassing myself by acting like an oaf who was raised by wolves. Sloppy, grumpy wolves.

o Cook really good food at home so that my family does not feel deprived that we don't go to restaurants often.

o Create holiday magic. On every holiday. Even Groundhog Day.

o Care for my relationship with my husband (plan weekly date nights, attend ward temple night together, spend much time sitting around making googly eyes at each other, don't snap at him if he says regular, non judgemental things like, "Have you seen my church folder?")

o Make Herculean efforts to comprehend my son's autism and give him the proper attention and intervention that he needs.

o Mind my nasty temper.

o Be a considerate neighbor who remembers birthdays, drops off goodies at Halloween, Valentine's Day and Christmas and delivers soup and tends the children of those who are ill.

o Do some yard work. Ever.

o Do things that organized people do (hold a weekly family council where the children can talk with Ric and I about their concerns and questions and we update our family calendar with the upcoming week's events, sort socks into pairs and put them into drawers, clip the cats' claws before they destroy all my couches, get rid of the gladware lids that don't have matching gladware anymore...)

o Give all my children an exceptional education at home. Don't lose their homeschool books and supplies.


Taken one at a time, these seem like good things that really, really should not be ignored. But, all together, it's a ridiculous list of personal expectations. Which do I get rid of? Usually it's the ones where I take care of my own health, teach the kids and mind my temper. Those are the ones that get pushed to the bottom of the list or jump off the list entirely in a huff of impatience.

I don't know. I need lower standards. I need to not care about what I *should* do. I feel I must care about spiritual shoulds and family related shoulds. So, do I not care about my health shoulds? or holiday fun shoulds? or shoulds for neighbors and relatives? financial shoulds? organizational shoulds (which effect financial shoulds)?

Maybe I'm just a crazy girl lately trying to stave off my pending holiday gloom and doom. I am so not looking forward to December and it's coming whether I want it to or not. That's another post.