The One in Which I Outline Visiting Teaching Appointments

Probably the rest of you act normally when friends show up at your home to visit. For me, when people come over to see me and talk to me, I get so excited about it, I act like a lonely dog who's been tied up in the yard too long.


Here's how visits go:



MY VISITING TEACHERS: *Inquiry about my well being*

ME: *lengthy complaint about non-interesting symptoms*

MY VISITING TEACHERS: *Considerate expression of concern*

ME: *gratitude followed by more complaining and a story not relating to anything*

MY VISITING TEACHERS: *appreciative laughter and kind compliment*

ME: *more senseless prattle*

MY VISITING TEACHERS: *continued patience*

ME: *at least one more story not relating to anything.*

MY VISITING TEACHERS: "It's been so fun talking with you. We also brought you an uplifting message we'd like to share..."

ME: "Yippee!"

MY VISITING TEACHERS: *spiritual message accompanied by thoughtful insight and personal application.*

ME: "Yippee!" *launch into another story not relating to anything....*

MY VISITING TEACHERS: [90 minutes later] "Again, it's been so fun visiting with you."

ME: *obliviousness to their attempts to leave*

MY VISITING TEACHERS: "So, thanks again for letting us come by...."

ME: *lengthy goodbye at the door, further prolonging the agony of their attempts to escape....*



My visiting teachers are good people.


The pic at the top is from a site full of WWII posters [http://www.usmm.org/]. I had to post some of these other funny ones I considered:

The One in Which I Write Myself a Well-Timed Kindly Reminder

Dear Denise,


When you eat a lot of chocolate it makes you grouchy and mean. This makes the other humans want you to go away.

When the other humans get grouchy, they say reasonable things like this:

"Ugh! I can't even DEAL with ALL of THIS today!" and then they might slam a pen down on the desk.


When you get grouchy, you say UNreasonable things like this:

"Sweet Sister Francis! What is WRONG with ALL of you MORONIC PIGS? WHY WHY WHY in the NAME of ALL that is HOLY and GOOD in the WORLD would you FORCE me to TOLERATE your CEASELESS INANITY for MINUTES ON END??? If you were ANY smarter, you might be able to comprehend how STUPID you actually are! You make me want to rip off my own ears and stuff them into my eyes just to GET AWAY from the CONSTANT ONSLAUGHT of your UTTER and INCESSANT INCOMPETENCE!" and then you might threaten to run away from home to punish the world for their crimes against you.


There are several good reasons why you might regret this once you're off the chocolate:

1. Your mom doesn't deserve to be talked to like that.


2. Neither does the ATM.


3. Or the Compassionate Service Leader.


4. When you say these things, it makes the other humans want to throw heavy stuff at your head.


5. Several human rights groups might have grounds to take legal action against you.



So, in summary, Chocolate Makes You Grouchy, Grouchy Makes You Inhumane, Inhumane Makes You A Legal Liability.


Maybe you should switch over to Swedish Fish.



[photo from http://www.impactlab.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/grouchy-bear-495.jpg]

The One in Which I Rant Unceasingly About Condo Management

So when trying to manage these HORRIBLE condos, my goal is to get good, competent work done on the places for a price that is in my budget. I do not necessarily say for the BEST price because I would not want to find the best priced electrician, for example, who happens to be unlicensed and a complete boob and then the condos catch fire and people die.

So, I need,

1) competent work,
2) a good price and
3) no people die.


This is a complex formula. It means that I can't just call up companies that do interior painting and say, "I need to hire a painter for this job, what is your price?" and then call 3 other companies and ask them the same thing and pick the cheapest one. (This is what I suspect property management companies do when something needs to be hired out and that's why we never could make any money when we used a property management company)


There is no WAY that hiring a company to do any work is in my budget.(One guy told me that to paint a 600 square foot condo with plain white would be a $1900 job. That seems ridiculous to me. It's equal to 4 months of what we collect in rent on that place.)

So, I have to hire people. I have to go online and find everyday people who are willing to do the various work that I need done. Then I need to negotiate prices with these people. I, of course, have NO skills and so must guess at what the work is worth and what supplies it will require. (Why use ME to manage ANY properties if I don't know stuff? Because I am available and because I am willing to SHOP for people in our budget instead of hiring people OUTSIDE of the budget and sending my dad a BILL every month instead of a CHECK. A check is what you hope to receive from your rental investments not a BILL every month for a year.)

Here's the biggest problem. The people I find who are competent enough to do the work and also willing the do the work in our price range are DIFFICULT to work with. Usually the reason they are willing to work in our price range is because they are:

1) Desperate for money.

This means they will be able to start the work I'm asking but only if I can loan them some money for gas on their first day of work.

2) Unable to hold down other jobs.

This is because they are so irresponsible they never show up when they say they will show up and maybe they will do the work you hired them to do and maybe they will not. You need to totally double check their work to make sure it's what you agreed on for the price. Also, you frequently end up waiting 90 minutes for them to show up and get a key from you. You hang around that long because they've texted you 3 times saying they are 5 minutes away. Alternately, you RACE out of a meeting at work early because they suddenly texted you and said they are waiting at the condos for you even though your appointment with them is not until the following day.

3) Unable to make coherent conversation and mingle with the other humans.

This means that you will never understand exactly what information they are giving you and what information they are asking of you. They make half sentences and then stop and switch to another sentence and you're never exactly sure what predicate they were ABOUT to say when they made the switch.



I know that it would be great to work with someone who would do the work, then send me an invoice and then I send them a check. But, it's not like that. They expect to call me and say, "I'm gonna be done here in about 15 minutes which is a day earlier than I thought I'd be done, so can you meet me with a check as soon as I'm done?" No. I can't. I'm an HOUR from you and I actually have a life. I don't sit at a desk located on the property just poised and waiting for your call. I have other people and children counting on me to be other places. I can't be there to pay you or meet with you to answer questions or get you keys or get keys back from you at whatever moment you decide it's convenient for you. I need to make a plan with you and then stick to that plan. But these people I hire do not do that.

They also do not respect the boundaries I have asked them to respect. I have my phone number that is for condo related calls. Once ANYONE I work with gets any other number of mine (which sometimes happens if I get an urgent text and must call from my cell phone while I'm out) then they go crazy calling that number if they need to reach me. If someone gets Ric's number at any time, then they call MY condo number, then MY regular number, then Ric's number in a rabid attempt to reach someone. Nevermind that I JUST received their text from their first call and am calling them back IMMEDIATELY but can't get through to them because they are calling 4 other numbers dying to reach me.

I explain this process to people. They don't pay attention. They assume no matter what I tell them, that my LIFE is about these condos. They think I don't have plans with my family or other obligations or FORBID that maybe I'm somewhere that I can't pick up a call right away and they'll just have to be inconvenienced waiting for me to meet them at the appointed time instead of an hour earlier.

The OTHER horrible thing about these condos? It's NEVER enough. Even if I accomplish MIRACULOUS FEATS of getting work done within my budget, there is still someone who says, "Seems like we could have done that cheaper or easier." Really?? Well, then, you are WELCOME to go ahead and do that yourself next time. Seriously??? Like I NEED all of this hours and hours of work and stress every day for a stupid $85 a month.


Why don't I just quit? Because I can't. There's no one else to do it instead. Which means that it would be up to my dad to do it. And it's way too much stress for him. And if it's Herculean for me to manage them from 1 hour away, it's impossible for him to manage them from another state. So, he'd have to hire a company to manage them. Then, he'd start getting bills every month again which means that every month the management company uses up ALL the rent he's earned on maintenance then also spent even more than that on maintenance.

So, I do it for my parents. Who deserve it.

I wish I did it better. And I wish at times that I do make some small miracle happen, that it made my dad happy and didn't make him say, "You had to HIRE someone to do that? I could have done that myself for 25 cents!"

The One in Which I Convince You That My Husband is a Patient Man

Oh, I lovey the lists. They almost write themselves. Then I can return uninterrupted to my regular full time goal of letting my brain atrophy so my face looks thinner.


My dear husband is a patient man. You've heard me say this before. Today, I'll compile the proof. Then you'll see that he's a supernatural being who should not be forced to abide my inferior company.

This list represents a fraction of what he's compelled to put up with:



o Crumbs in his bed.

Ric complains about TWO things in the WHOLE WORLD. Everything else he's okay with. One of those two things is crumbs in his bed. So, what does his horrible wife do? She eats in the bed and lets the kids eat in the bed while he's at work, slaving away to finance our very survival.


o Various things in the house pee on his stuff.

Imagine you come home from basketball (the ONE time during the week that you do anything for yourself) and find your wife and toddler asleep on your bed. Upon lifting your toddler to move him to his own bed, you find he's peed all over your side of the bed.

You go to a nearby laundry basket to get a clean sheet and find that the cat has (AGAIN!) peed on the clean laundry.

If this happened to you, you would move away and burn down the house on your way out the door. If it happens to Ric, he sighs and says, "Honey, is there something I can do to help keep the laundry and bed from getting peed on?"



o He does not have clean laundry when he needs it.


It's a reasonable thing to expect to have some clean clothes to wear to your job when you are the ONLY person out of SEVEN people in your house who has a job AND the money you make from that job is used by ALL SEVEN of the other people to support their utter laziness. You should not have to say THREE days in a ROW, "Honey, did we do any wash yesterday? Are there any socks clean?" No, you should not have to say that.


o Most days he has nothing to eat for lunch.

In a constant fit of ineptitude, I frequently forget to make arrangements for Ric to have any food to take for lunch. I forget to make extra dinner to tuck away for him. I forget to buy sandwich items at the store. I forget to tell him that he can spend some money if he needs to in order to get something to eat. Because Ric NEVER complains, I also forget to check with him and see if he figured out anything to have for lunch most days. And, often, he'll skip lunch so that he does not accidentally interfere with the budget. Compile this with the next proof of patience.....



o Most days he has to wait a long, long, long time for dinner.

At least a few times a week I stall about dinner. Around 9:30, Ric will gently say, "Sweety, did you have any plans for dinner?" Remember now, this is my dear husband who has also not made a PEEP of complaint about not having any lunch (also my fault). At this point I say something paltry and insufficient like, "Oh, sorry honey, what if we all have peanut butter and banana sandwiches? Does that sound good?"

My dear, dear husband will ALWAYS reply, "Yes, that sounds wonderful, actually. Would you like me to make you one, too?"



By now you're convinced that my husband is not human and is actually some Saint/Angel hybrid. You'd be right.

You're also convinced that not only do I not deserve THIS husband, I probably do not deserve any husband and should live in a cave far away from the other, more deserving humans. Also correct.


But, I'll let you in on the bestest, most miraculous thing about being married to Ric. HE thinks that HE'S the one getting the sweet deal here. There's something about his combination of Patience and Perfection that makes him believe that I'M being good to HIM and that HE'S lucky to have me.


This form of hysterical delusion totally works for me.

The One in Which I Am a Shadow

My son auditioned for another play and got a big part that's perfect for him.

Since the last play he auditioned for rejected him because of his odd behavior, I wanted to watch him this time and make sure there were no problems.

I've sat at four and a half hours of rehearsal daily for 3 days now and he doesn't cause any problems. He's better behaved than the other children.

But, it's probably because I'm there. I think my presence soothes him and makes him less anxious. Less anxious means less likely to twirl and have tics and get distracted and make unreasonable assumptions about the environment.

I think it appears to others that I'm trying to protect my son from them. And instead I'm there to protect them from my son. I can control him in a moment with just a slight hand signal. He only needs someone to let him know what's expected of him because he can't always see it for himself. And, if he gets distracted after he DID already know what's expected of him, he can stay in a distraction loop until someone breaks it by reminding him what he's supposed to do.


So, why even bother sticking him in plays when maybe that hobby is not a good fit for him? Because when he was in the play in the spring, he made friends. The other kids were nice to him. Can you imagine? It's not like at scouts a few years ago where 6 kids chased him down the hall and knocked him to the floor. These acting kids actually don't mind him that much. They don't try to hurt him.

And, all through the rehearsals and run of his play, he was connecting to us better than we have seen before or since. Somehow, the play helped to fix him a lot. I don't know what did it, but, obviously, I'm anxious to repeat it.


Because of his autism and because he had never done anything as independent as being in play rehearsals a few times a week before, we had some problems with the spring play. One was that it took us months to figure out that the director was sending out regular emails to parents updating them on changes to locations and rehearsal times. We weren't getting ANY of those emails. Why? Well, because at the audition my son, instead of saying that he was not sure of his parents email address, just wrote down what he THOUGHT our email address was. It was actually a hybrid of several email addresses we've both used in the past and not a legitimate email address for either of us.

[It probably seems odd that an older child with a perfect memory would not know his parent's email address. For a child with high functioning autism, it's not odd at all. It's not unusual for an autistic child to not know his own parent's first names because all he's ever called them is mom and dad. They can be that oblivious.]

So, I didn't get any of the notices about changed locations, changed times, changed schedules. The other way that the kids were notified about changes is that they were TOLD. Well, forget that. If you want me to know something, don't tell my son and then hold me responsible for having the knowledge. It won't get to me. He's not capable of it.

This led to big mistakes like getting out of rehearsal an hour before we thought he did and the director had to call us to say she'd been waiting outside with him for 30 minutes. Since my teenager was already out with the car and near that area, we called him immediately and told him to rush over there. Another 30 minutes pass and we get another call from the director that no one has showed up yet. The teenager reported that he went to the wrong place and got lost.

I really tried there. I did. I thought I had the right time. I didn't know that some people were getting emails or their kids were getting instructions about other times and I tried to find the fastest solution the moment I realized there was a problem. It was totally embarrassing to have caused such an inconvenience to someone. We apologized over and over.

After 2 months of rehearsals, I was finally able to figure out that the director was sending out emails and that I wasn't getting them. Then I was able to let her know that she needs to send emails to my correct address so that I know what's going on. I thought that the response to this might be "oooooOOOOOOOoooooo, so that's why you never know where we are supposed to be and when..." but it wasn't. There was no comment at all. I had hoped that I would be forgiven a little for seeming clueless, but it didn't feel like it.


[for information about how my son ended up alone at the first audition in the first place instead of having an adult there with him to help him fill out paperwork, see pics of the birthday party I attended with my two youngest children in January. It was going on at the same time as the audition. If I'd known that there would be paperwork that was going to cause such a long term issue, of course I would have made other arrangements. But, I didn't know.]

I know there were other problems. But, we weren't told about them. At the cast party, one mom told us she was specifically instructed to watch our son and make sure he didn't try to go onstage before his cue because that had been a problem. His cast was only in 3 performances. Ric and I were backstage volunteers for 2 of them and in the audience for the final one. Why was nothing said to us about this problem? The other backstage parents were told to watch out for him but not his own parents? I had no idea this was even an issue until the play was over.

So, these are the things I've been explaining to my son THIS week to avoid problems in the new play:

1. When you ask a grown up for something, even if it's outrageous, that grown up might say yes and then be irritated with you without telling you.

I told him that sometimes grownups think that a child will over-react to being told no. I told him that not all kids will say "Ok" (like he does EVERY time) if they're told No. I also told him that a grown up might be irritated that he even asked to do something unusual and would never tell him that. I told him that just because he received permission to do something that doesn't really mean it was okay to do.

[This is where a guide is REALLY helpful. He runs to me first to ask me the thing that he wants to ask and I tell him if it's acceptable to ask or if it's rude or out of line.]

2. You need to follow the directions of the person in charge.

It's important that he remembers that he needs to do what the person in charge says and ONLY what the person in charge says. Otherwise, he might stop talking because the person in charge told everyone to be quiet and then start talking again because the kid next to him started to talk and he's been told that it's rude to ignore someone who's talking to you.

3. I told him not to do things that he doesn't see other people already doing.

This direction came in response to him handing out candy canes to all the kids at the audition and then starting to open up a candy cane himself to eat while on stage. I didn't even know he had his pockets stuffed with candy canes. The kids were told to do a particular direction silently, and he did. He did not speak at all as he went down the row handing out candy canes to everyone. Great. Who thinks to tell their kid before an audition, "Hey, by the way, if you were thinking you wanted to hand out candy canes to everyone and you have your pockets stuffed with them, don't do that, okay?"

4. I told him the exception to rule 3 is that he should not do things he sees other people doing if what the other people are doing is against what the person in charge has instructed.

So, just because you see other people talking, that doesn't mean it's okay to talk if the director said don't talk. I taught a class on table manners to the youth a few weeks ago. In it I said, "Don't do anything until your host has done it first. This includes sitting down at the table, putting your napkin in your lap or starting to eat."

My son came home and said he'd found a loophole in that rule that if he could trick the host into doing something ill-mannered first then HE would be permitted to do the same ill-mannered thing.

So, I pointed out to him that it's NEVER okay to be ill-mannered, even if your host is, but even GOOD MANNERED things should not be done until the host does them first.

Tricky rule for him.


So, I've been at every rehearsal and have had to correct only the smallest things. He looks to me frequently. I didn't tell him to. It's what he does. When I'm in the room, he checks in with me visually at least once a minute. We have hand signals for me to indicate to him:

"Stop talking"

"Scoot over" (my son does not scoot. If you direct a line to scoot down and don't mention him by name, he'll let kid after kid pile up into him. For most people, having someone smack into your shoulder lets you know there's a problem. Not my son. Won't bother him at all. Shoulder smack all you like, he doesn't move down until you call his name and tell him to.)

"Calm Down" (I use this one when I see him getting too exaggerated in his responses.)

"Stop Being Weird" (there's probably a more gentle way to put it, but this is what we've always used. Lets him know that the reason he needs to stop is because it looks weird to others.)

"Pay Attention" (He actually doesn't have to. When he was in school they said they never knew how he knew all the instructions because all through the lesson he'd be twirling and humming and looking down. Then he'd do the assignment perfectly. But, sometimes he misses instructions because of his autism, not because he was looking down or appearing distracted. However, this causes the people in charge to THINK he missed the instruction because he wasn't paying attention. I've explained to him that it's pleasing to people for him to LOOK like he's listening in addition to actually listening.)

"Stop Eating Your Script"


WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY would he follow these subtle instructions from me when he doesn't even think they are necessary? Because I've asked him to and I told him that it hurts people's feelings if he doesn't follow their social rules. So, he's willing to put all of his concentration into doing things their way. Even though it's hard for him. And boring. And stressful. He tries because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. This is a tender hearted boy.

The One in Which I Tell You You're Not Funny Enough

Some may remember months ago when I started writing in the blog regularly and made clear that I am really too opinionated to write a blog. Here's some more proof fer ya.

I don't have a lot on this topic, but I do have a few tips to offer about how you can be more funny and also some things to tell you about how you've been getting it wrong up until now.

STUFF YOU'RE GETTING WRONG:

These are some common mistakes that you can easily avoid and thereby be funnier.

1. Don't overlead your joke.

Give me just enough that I'm able to do the math in my head. You don't have to SPELL OUT for me that it's funny because the guy actually didn't say "ten inch pianist." I get it.


2. Don't explain your jokes.

This goes along with rule number 1. If I didn't get your joke, too bad for me. Don't explain your jokes. Explained jokes aren't funny. Really, they aren't. There are a few people who can master explaining the joke in such a way that it adds a new joke and salvages the laugh. You shouldn't try that yet. If someone says to you, "I don't get it. I don't know what that means," you say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I don't explain my jokes. You can catch the next one!"

[There is an exception to this rule. When you're in the company of new people who's company you will share frequently in the future (in laws, new classmates, new neighbors, etc), explain your jokes. New people won't know you're funny and telling them you don't explain jokes makes you seem odd or snooty. Explain a few, you'll lose the laugh, but, over time people will realize, "oooOOOOOOooooo, I bet he's being funny. That's what he does. He's funny."]

Also.....


3. Don't use your most outre jokes on new people.

If you have one of those really remote senses of humor that uses obscure, little known allusions or facts, save those for the crowds who know you if you want people to think you're funny instead of homeless. Yes, yes, yes, we ALL get that it's probably HILARIOUS that you just made a total word play pun that pokes fun at Episode 249 of Star Trek AND manages to insult the recently appointed Tzarina of CHDKSFSDRSSVarnia, but we're still not gonna laugh. And, now we're gonna move further away from you. Slowly and with no sudden movements.


4. Coincidences aren't jokes.

There are funny stories. You should sprinkle jokes into them if they are lengthy and you want them to still be perceived as funny stories by the end. But, coincidences are not among them. A coincidence is surprising. It might receive a smile. But, if you haven't told some OTHER joke along with your anecdote, then you haven't said something funny. Don't guffaw about it and say, "I never heard anything so hysterical." Really? We have.


5. Don't insult people who aren't you.

This seems straightforward. You don't get to poke fun at any group that you are not a part of. I don't care if you have LOTS AND LOTS of friends who are Vikings. Don't make snide jokes about the Vikings if YOU, YOURSELF are not a Viking. [or, probably, even if you are. Vikings are big. They'll take you out.]

SOME people can do this VERY delicately by using ridiculously exaggerated comments about groups that no one ever makes fun of or oppresses. This is tricky and should be left to the experts. If you try it, you'll probably get punched in the nose.


6. Trim up your jokes.

Get to the point as quickly as you can while leaving in all the essential elements to keep it funny. You need something humorous about every 3-5 sentences in a long story if you want it to be classified as a "funny story". Otherwise, be clear that what you are actually telling is an interesting story that does also contain a little something funny at the end. Unless your story isn't even intereresting and, in that case, you should have stayed home instead and watched The Closer. [you should do that anyway. it's a good show.]


7. If you're going to laugh at your own jokes, keep it reasonable.

I'm not totally against laughing at your own jokes. In a new crowd, sometimes that's the only way people know you've just told a subtle joke. If your audience is laughing, then a little laugh along with them lets them know you appreciate their response. But, absolutely do not laugh longer or louder than the people you just told the joke to. I know that sometimes you try to relay a silly story and it gets the best of you and you can't stop the giggles all through telling it. I'm okay with that (I think it's charming) provided you explain, "I'm sorry, I know I'm ruining this story, it just tickles me to think about it...." You will be less funny but at least you won't be rude.


8. If you're gonna steal someone else's joke, you'd better make sure no one has heard it before.

Whenever someone around here says, "That runs in our family...." MY response is, "oh, honey, NOBODY runs in our family." I didn't make this one up. ReRun said it on an episode of What's Happening. I think it's safe to assume that you didn't know that. Therefore, in just about any crowd, this joke will get a laugh.

Please, please, please do not take the best known line from a very popular tv show or movie and try to act like you just came up with it. You will look like a weirdy. People might laugh uncomfortably but they will not think you are funny. They'll think you were homeschooled. [then they'll be confused because they always believed that homeschooled people weren't allowed to socialize.]


9. Don't act like you're the only person in the room who's funny.

What you want to create is a laugh friendly atmosphere. If you walk into a gathering with the mindset that no one is gonna be funnier than you, no one but you gets to make people laugh, or, ruder still, that no one is gonna make you laugh, you will lose that atmosphere. You want to exist in a place where you delight in everyone's attempts at levity. You are appreciative of the shared laughter of your fellow conversants. Now that laughing and laughing and being easy going and fun is what we're all doing, you are ready to try out your new bit. Consider their jokes (however lame and paltry they may be) the warm up for your own.



That's all the criticism I have for you at this time. Future Denise plans to create a list of what you SHOULD do to be funny, but she has lots and lots of crazy plans (Future Denise is also in charge of all laundry, yardwork, errands and the filing of income taxes) and may never have time to compile it.

The One in Which I Explain How To Fake A Clean House

You probably keep a perfectly clean house. You probably never get behind in your cleaning or overwhelmed or find yourself too tired to do all the stuff that needs to be done. If that's the case, please go away. We don't want your kind around here.

For the rest of us mere mortals, please gather 'round and hear my wisdom. I will tell you my fakey shortcut for making your house look clean enough when you don't have enough time or energy or motivation to manage more than the essentials.

Here it is:

Dishes
Trash
Laundry
Beds

That's it. Tell your friends.

You want more details? I will give them now acuz I love you so much.

DISHES

Start with your dishes. I know you don't want to. I know you want to wait until last on this. Don't. You gotta do dishes first. If you get tired or run out of time or get distracted then you need to have your dishes done before any of that happens. I promise it will not take as long as you think it will take.

If you fill up your dishwasher and there are still more dishes, hand wash the rest and lay them to dry on a big towel on your counter.

A messy house with a clean kitchen looks like you are in the middle of a project. Maybe you're redecorating or re-arranging bedrooms or taking on some huge charity task.

A messy house with dirty dishes in the sink just looks like a messy house where nobody ever does any scrubbing. Gross.


TRASH

If you still have time and energy after the dishes, get rid of all the trash in the house. Pick up the trash on surfaces and throw it out. Take out your garbages and put in new bags. Trash around is cluttery and it's super fast to take it out of the house. This is an easy fix with big impact. It reduces visual clutter to the eye and makes the house look cleaner.

A stack of paperwork on your desk could be you getting an early start on your taxes. A stack of paperwork and soda cans, crumpled kleenexes, 12 weeks of old newspapers and a diaper tells your guests that you're turning into a hoarder and might need an intervention.

LAUNDRY

You're so excited. Your dishes are done. Your trash is all out of the way. Now if you're still up to more housework, we're gonna get those floors and couches and beds and hallways in your house cleared of laundry. You gotta get laundry out of the way.

Ideally, you could wash laundry while you're doing all the other work and then just fold and fold and fold at this point. But, maybe you have more laundry than that or maybe you didn't think of it before now. That's okay. We're working on Containment, not Completion.

Gather all the dirty laundry and get it into containers somewhere. You can sort it into cardboard boxes and then line those up. You can put it into laundry baskets. I want it in a container of some kind and I don't want the container to be overflowing up to the ceiling. Use as many containers as you need to so you can accomplish this.

Now, consider your time and energy. If you have time and energy, put away all the clean laundry. If you don't, then just fold it into squares and put it into containers so that it LOOKS like it's all ready to be put away. If you don't even have time and energy for that, then put it into containers (different ones from the dirty laundry containers, we don't need to create more housework for the future) and move it to the side of the room or, preferably, into a closet or laundry room.

With your dishes cleaned, your trash gone, and your clean and dirty laundry contained, you can now enjoy many, many more clean surfaces in your home.

Now you look like a person who regularly, without fail, does your dishes, cleans up your trash after yourself and tends to your laundry. Wow. Impressive.

BEDS

THIS is where the magic is. This is the thing that makes you look like you got it all together. You're gonna make all the beds in the house.

You don't have to put on new sheets. But, do make it look as nice as you have the time and energy to do. If you can only straighten the covers and pillows, do that. If you can get the comforter folded so lovely around all your mismatched pillowcases, even better. The bed is the star of any bedroom and a made bed draws the eye. So does an unmade bed. Which one do you want people to see?



Once these projects are done, I promise you will feel so much better about your house. There are no dirty dishes. There is no trash. There aren't clothes strewn everywhere. Your bedclothes are not flung around for all to see. So, what's left? Maybe some toys? Oh, you're a good parent who lets their kid play. Maybe some paperwork or mail? Oh, you must be right in the middle of sorting that. A hodge podge of stuff on your shelves and dresser? Oh, you must be re-arranging all those drawers or collecting items for the Salvation Army. See? There's a perfectly respectable explanation for all the picking up housework that's left.


If you're not able to do your regular housework for some time (maybe you have an illness, chronic pain, a new baby or you're working overtime for a few months) just getting these tasks done will prepare your house for drop in guests. In order to maintain your sanity for your own family, you would also want to do a bit of quick cleaning in your bathrooms a few times a week (I suggest more often than once a week so that it's not a gross task, it's just maintenance which is more pleasing to the mind and less likely to be postponed), but I wouldn't ask more of you than that during a difficult time.

Also, you've removed a lot of the visual clutter from your house and it's okay to have people in. Any *stuff* you have around looks like projects and it's acceptable to be a busy person and still receive guests. If you have stuff around because you are unmotivated and not because you are busy, you don't have to disclose that to your guests. But, doing these 4 tasks will greatly help your motivation when you feel overwhelmed.

These, incidentally, are also the 4 tasks I see to in someone else's home if I go to visit someone who is sick or to help out in some way. They can be done by an outsider because we all know how to wash dishes and take old soda cans to the trash and put laundry in a basket and make beds. Good stuff.


Okay, you perfect housekeepers can come back now. We're ready for you. *wink*

The One In Which I'm Feeling Both Patient and Impatient With People (also The One In Which I Spend a Lot of Time Telling You What You Think)

My son has high functioning autism.

You probably don't know what that is. And that's a problem.

See, hardly anybody knows what it is and the people that do know what it is all have different ideas of exactly how it looks and acts.

With my son, it very often appears that there's nothing wrong with him. He speaks well (really, really well) and he can understand anything you say to him (or pretend to.) But, he might seem awkward. Or clumsy. Or rude. Or self-centered. Or rebellious.

It is, of course, completely impossible to look like a good mom if your child has high functioning autism. If your child has autism and cannot speak or is obviously impaired in some way, people are understanding. They think that you must be doing your best. At least, this is what I hope people think if they see someone with an autistic child.

But, if your child has high functioning autism, your child can talk like other children, your child can learn like other children, your child can participate in any physical activity like other children. So, why should anyone believe that your child has a disability? The answer is: they don't.

What people think INSTEAD is that YOU are a horrible parent. What people think is, "I would NEVER let MY child get away with such and such." What you don't know is, "Nor Would I!" My child does NOT get away with things. But, my child is COMPLETELY unpredictable. The best thing that I can predict about him is that I won't be able to predict him.

So the answer to the question, "Why didn't you stop him from doing such and such before there was a problem?" is, "I didn't know there would be a problem. Last time he was fine. I have to allow him to do SOME things."

At a play audition this weekend, for example, we waited for 3 and a half hours through auditions and callbacks. My son was being a little quirky in his movements -- he always is (this is the usual tipoff for people who know something about autism), flapping his hands a little in excitement and running funny throwing his feet out to the side instead of behind him. But, otherwise, was connecting to the outside world fairly well.

Then I heard that the moment he walked into the audition room, something changed. Where other kids walked in and saw a room full of chairs and said, "Oh, here are the chairs, it must be time to sit in them." MY son saw something else. I'm not sure what. But, something said to him, "Here is a room full of chairs, I'm going to make a playground out of it" and he started running around the room and jumping up and down from the chairs.

So, now WHAT does he look like to the people running the audition??? He looks like a loony child, that's what he looks like. He looks like a child that has ADHD that's unmedicated. He looks completely uncontrollable.

If I'd been in the room, I would have told him, "Come sit here now" and he'd have done exactly what I'd said without a SYLLABLE of complaint. But, I wasn't supposed to be in the room. And, I didn't know that he was going to change the moment he walked through that door except that I know that it takes nothing at all to change him and so it's very probable that a change in the environment can change everything.

So the casting director felt he could not work with him. Of course he thought that. Who would want to cast an unmedicated hyperactive child in a play and babysit him through who knows WHAT behaviors for months at every rehearsal?

And I wouldn't even know how to advise him. It takes a while of watching and studying before you can begin to understand how much you don't understand about my son's behavior. You'll think you have it all down and he'll throw something new and weird at you. You'll think you've thought of everything, given him every rule that he could possibly need, but you didn't think you'd have to remind him to wear shoes. Or to put on pants. Or to not eat stuff that isn't food. Or to not get overly offended because he got up from his chair and walked across the room so someone else sat in his chair thinking it was free. You can't predict everything that his mind might come up with.

So, I feel impatient that no one knows anything about high functioning autism. I feel like people should know something and know what they are looking for. Please stop thinking that if I just did THIS punishment (soooooo many people have tried to tell me THEIR success stories about discipline. PLEASE. I use discipline. You cannot retrain the mind of an autistic child completely with discipline. You can make slow progress over a long time and you will not be successful in everything) or used THIS medication then he would be fine.

There IS NO MEDICATION FOR AUTISM. I am not being some stubborn mom who refuses to medicate my child. There is no medication. He looks hyperactive sometimes, but he's not. What he's doing is misinterpreting the situation. He didn't realize everyone else was sitting in the chairs. He didn't make note of the other people in the room at all. In his mind, those other people are stored in the same place as inanimate objects. He does not take his social cues from other people any more than you or I would look at a table in the room and decide that we, too, should get down on all fours and let people put their plates on us.

The easy solution is to give my son a guide. Someone who IS familiar with his situation who can instruct him in ways he understands. All he needs is someone to tell him, Sit here. We're not talking now. Now it's time to be still. And he'll do it. He's not rebellious. He's not hyperactive.

I would be this person. But, hovering stage moms are not popular so why would anyone want to work with me around? Especially when it's much much much easier to dismiss my child as a behavior problem and not work with him at all.

If my child had cerebral palsey and needed some additional consideration and perhaps the assistance of a parent, my guess is that the casting committee would find it charming to include such a child in their performance. But a child that seems to have a discipline problem is not charming. And telling people that he has autism, just makes it look like I'm making excuses for him.

I'm not. He CAN change in little, little ways. But it takes a LOT of concentration for him and sometimes he will get distracted and forget. And, he is a teenager, sometimes he might dismiss what I'm telling him and think he knows better. I do think that he should be disciplined if he does not do what he's told. If he's told by an adult or a person in charge to sit down and he does not -- his autism EXPLAINS IT but does not excuse it. There should be a consequence. If there is not, then he will not go through the EXTREME MENTAL EFFORT AND CONCENTRATION that it will take in the future to do things that do not make any sense to him.

I try to explain it to people this way:

If I told you that you need to talk backwards all day tomorrow and the next day and the next day and forever, you'd think I was crazy. You would never believe that there is ANY need for you to talk backwards and it would take a lot of effort and concentration for you to talk backwards. You would see NO down side to NOT talking backwards and you would see NO upside TO talking backwards. So, why would you do it?

This is how it is with my son. When I tell him he has to do things differently because it's causing him a problem, he thinks I'm crazy. He sees no problem, so why would he do things differently?

He doesn't notice that he has no friends. He doesn't notice that people get irritated with him (he CANNOT read your facial expressions or your tone of voice. If you don't tell him in words "I am angry with you" he WILL NOT KNOW. Ever.) He doesn't realize that he looks odd or rude or rebellious. He doesn't know.

So, I have to tell him and then I have to convince him. And as he gets older, he's more willing to believe me. Mostly because he's capable of comprehending more of the evidence.

I can tell him "Other people have friends that call them sometimes."
He says, "I have lots of friends, they don't call me because they don't have my phone number."

I tell him, "Other people make SURE to get their friends' phone numbers because they want to call them."
He says, "they probably forgot."

I say, "people don't forget to do that."

This is how I have to convince him that there is a NEED to change. If you see me doing this, you will think I am a cruel mother pointing out to my son so obviously that he has no friends. If I don't do this, you will think I am a horrible and neglectful mother who cannot find SOME way to change my child's behavior.

There is no way for the mother of a child with high functioning autism to look good. No matter how I handle it, YOU will think that there is SOME trick you have that would CURE the autism and make it all better. I promise you, there isn't.

So, what do I think about my son not being allowed to participate in things because of his behavior? (they also won't move him up a grade in school using his behavior as an excuse -- thus we homeschool. You will think that it's homeschooling that makes him weird. You are wrong. He actually received his diagnosis before he was EVER homeschooled. And he learns FAST. You have never met a child who learns so quickly. No, your nephew is not like that. No, he isn't.)

I don't know what to think. I wish people understood his disability and were willing to make a FEW adjustments (letting me be on hand to explain things to him in a way he understands, for instance) to accomodate him. I wish people understood ME and that we're not neglectful parents, we're just taking part in a slow process of improvement. (There is every reason to believe that he is capable of marrying and holding down a job and living on his own IF he gets to practice all these rules that he thinks there is no need for. Children with undiagnosed high functioning autism tend to live in their parent's basements for decades because they rub EVERYONE the wrong way and can't get more than one date or hold down a job.)

Also, I understand that people don't want to work with an unpredictable and unpleasant child. Why would you? Even the schools despise him and they are paid to tolerate all kinds of kids. I can't tell people, "do this and this and he'll be fine." because I never know if he'll be fine.

I don't disclose to everyone that he has autism because we've been advised by the experts not to. They say, if he knows we're telling everyone he has autism, he won't put in the work he needs to do to change and adjust to the world. He'll use the excuse also. He'll start telling people, "Oh, I have autism" instead of trying to adjust. Then he'll live in our basement alone for the rest of his life.

So, part of me says, "Geez, I know that other kids with disabilities get to do stuff that takes a LOT more accomodation than my child, how come no one is willing to just work with him the littlest bit?" and another part of me says, "Yeah, I get it. There's a group of typical children who want to do a typical thing and not have my weirdy son messing it all up with his unpredicability." Also, "I haven't told anyone he has autism and few people know anything about high functioning autism so they don't see it and wouldn't know what to do even if I did tell them." I get that he's not pleasant. I get that he's frustrating. I get that there is no magic cure for him. I get that he makes you crazy. He makes me crazy often, too.

And why should you have to put up with him? Why would you see any benefit to doing that? It's like I'm telling you that you need to talk backwards.